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Top 10 Christmas Gifts For the Cynic on Your List


What to buy that friend who's lost all faith in the American dream.

Rosetta Stone Learn Chinese
1. With the Obama-GOP tax-cut deal adding $900 billion to our trillion-dollar tab to China, prepare your loved ones for the inevitable takeover with Rosetta Stone Learn Chinese. They'll also finally learn whether the tattoo on their arm means "power" or "shrimp fried rice."
$209.00; Rosetta Stone

Diminutive Mozart Violin Set
2. Scratching your head over how to express your sympathy to your British friend participating in the student intifada against the UK's £6,000 tuition fees hikes? With American students ponying up $5,000 to $30,000 per year for college, how about this Diminutive Mozart Violin Set?
$17.95; Herrschners

Scotch Tough Extreme Hold Duct Tape
3. Is the Senate's stalling of the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" repeal endangering the career of a gay service man or woman on your list? With Scotch Tough Extreme Hold Duct Tape, you'll give them the gift of silence!
$9.77; Home Depot

the neediest charity of all: the US government
4. ''Tis the season to be jolly...and generous. If you normally give the gift of charity-- for example, a donation in a friend's name to the Salvation Army or a water buffalo from Heifer International -- this year consider giving to the neediest charity of all: the US government. We can tackle the $14.4 trillion deficit, together.
Accepting any amount; US Department of the Treasury

Dressing and Cooking Wild Game cookbook
5. Does Sarah Palin's hunting exploits have your family members foaming at the mouth? Get them watering too with delicious mooseburger recipes in the Dressing and Cooking Wild Game cookbook.
$14.96; Amazon

American Express gift card
6. Wanna let those oh-so-hard-to-shop-for friends and family members decide for themselves? Don't buy just any old credit card company gift card this holiday season. With WikiLeaks avengers humbugging the Visa and MasterCard websites, stick with the hack-free American Express gift card.
Denominations of $25, $50, $100, $200;

Lee Harvey Oswald
7. Is the conspiracy buff on your list tired of the same old Sasquatch footprint molds and moon landing studio tours? Just in time for Christmas, you can buy them their very own piece of one of the greatest frame-ups in American history with the original pine coffin that held the body of alleged JFK assassin Lee Harvey Oswald.
Bidding starts at $1,000; Nate D. Sanders Auctions

Energizer Qi
8. Don't let your burned-out relatives go the way of retiring Pfizer CEO Jeffrey Kindler. With the Energizer Qi Induction Charger, they'll always keep their batteries charged -- and while still employed!
Best Buy

9. Is someone on your list traveling during the holidays and dreading the invasive new airport screening procedures? Help them shed the embarrassing photo-negative flab and get their body in tip-top shape for the full-body X-ray scans with the P90X extreme home fitness workout.
Kohler Handshower Kit
10. And for those opting instead for the violating TSA pat-down, the Kohler Handshower Kit will help them scrub away the shame.
$439.36; Lowes
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