Why I Am Applying for an Executive Director Position at Goldman Sachs
There's an opening at Goldman Sachs, and I'm the man for the job!
After exploring the career section of Goldman Sachs' (GS) website, I have concluded that a career in investment banking is right for me.
Minyanville can be pretty cool. We have a fun office environment, a great location in Manhattan near Gramercy park, and a ping-pong table.
That said, I need to make more money -- no models & bottles on this guy's salary!
So I've decided to write an open letter to CEO Lloyd Blankfein in the hope that he might consider taking me on. Hey, I'm not that bright, but I know how to stand out.
I would like to transition to a career in investment banking, and given Goldman Sachs' industry-leading position and reputation, it is number-one on my list of potential new employers.
After perusing the career section of your website, I found the perfect opening for a guy like me: executive director, and head of Goldman's US equity derivatives business in Europe, the Middle East, and Africa.
Let me be frank: I have no experience as an executive. The only thing I directed was a horror movie back in high school.
I am pretty good with equity derivatives though -- you should see the awesome TBT trade I have going in my Thinkorswim account.
Ultimately, however, I believe I have the right attitude for the job.
First of all, I am an awesome dude.
My proudest moments in life -- getting accepted to Brooklyn College, passing Intro to Chemistry, and competing in countless Wiffle-ball and roller-hockey games, known as the Brooklyn Olympics -- were achieved through pure awesomeness, with no shortcuts.
And more importantly, Lloyd, I know how to keep my mouth shut.
For example, let's say I was to unhappily quit the firm after, I don't know, 12 years.
Having likely made millions and millions of dollars working for Goldman, I would never turn around and blast the firm's bad behavior after filling my bank account with the fruits of that bad behavior.
In fact, I would even be willing to sign a contract that would require me to return said millions in the case I was to speak out publicly against the firm in a sanctimonious, self-serving editorial in a major newspaper like the Wall Street Journal or the Financial Times.
Heck, you could throw the New York Times on that list for all I care.
You know why, Lloyd?
Because if I were in a hypothetical situation where, I don't know, I was unable to look a sales and trading intern in the eye and say, "This is a great place to work," I would just quit instead of sitting around, continuing to collect huge paychecks.
And if I felt like I worked for a company that not only ripped its clients off but was proud of it, again, I'd quit. I wouldn't take your money and then get all high-and-mighty about your business practices after the fact.
In closing, I would just like to say that I hope this open letter can be a wake-up call to the board of directors.
Culture is everything, and if you pay me enough money, I promise to keep my mouth shut. Because, if I really ever get to the point where I am truly disgusted by Goldman, I promise to quit immediately so I won't bear the burden of taking money from a firm that's business practices I so obviously despise.
PS: Do you guys have a ping-pong table?
(Also see: Does Greg Smith Have a Point? 7 Differing Views)
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