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Where to Buy an Actual Lump of Coal for Christmas

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Hate your own child?

Then do what parents the world over have done for generations in a cliched way to change a kid's behavior that most likely will not, and likely has never, actually worked:

Get the little bas - - rd a lump of coal.

Not some sissy candy lump of coal, or some Martha Stewart-y lump of coal that's actually a brownie or a licorice scone or something like that.

No, an actual piece of real coal that'll make even the most incorrigible little troublemaker feel like crap this Christmas.

Fisher Scientific has teamed up with to make authentic lumps of coal available to geological researc--um...I mean, uh, parents who wish to spoil their kids' holidays this year.

Yes, for the ridiculously low price of $6, you can make your progeny cry and feel as unwanted as the rest of us, with 0.5 kg of real bituminous coal in his or her stocking.

Now, once the screaming has stopped--and it will, although the long-term damage will never really go away--you can teach your child how to properly mitigate their carbon emissions during the burning process.

It's not easy, warns Ahmed Ghoniem, the Ronald C. Crane Professor of Mechanical Engineering at MIT. But progress is being made, using pressurized combustion technology.

Ghoniem's system puts the combustion chamber under pressure, which results in a more concentrated emissions output, making it easier to then sequester the gases.

A release from MIT says of the technology:

"There will always be some energy penalty to capture-enabled systems because it requires some energy to separate gases mixed together, such as separating CO2 from the combustion gases emerging from an air-based combustion chamber or oxygen from air for oxy-fuel combustion."

As an analogy, “mixing salt and pepper is very easy, but separating them takes energy,” Ghoniem says. “Nobody in their right mind will jump into this and do it unless we can reduce the energy penalty and the extra cost, and only if it is mandated to reduce CO2 emissions."

But, enough about that. This is about ruining a kid's holiday and permanent emotional scarring. Hell, for a measly six bucks, you almost can't afford not to.
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