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UBS AG Suggests Cleanliness Next to High Net Worth With Release of 44-Page Staff Dress Code

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Hoping to get back to first principles -- cleanliness is next to high net worth -- UBS released its 44-page “Dresscode UBS” Wednesday.

UBS spokesman Jean-Raphael Fontannaz said the dress code would be implemented in five Swiss branches to start out, as UBS tries to reassure clients it’s still a bank.

The dress code brings one question to mind: What the heck were UBS bankers dressing like before this?

Does an employee of one of the corporate bastions of possibly the world’s most reserved and neutrality-loving countries really need to be told never to wear black nail polish or let clients see his underwear?

Apparently UBS thinks these things really need to be spelled out -- and not just the obvious. “Invasive” doesn’t begin to describe some of the tips: how long to go between haircuts (four weeks), how to hang up your suit at night (air it outside your closet for two days), and even what material to buy your underwear in (microfiber -- “it’s fine, sporty, thermoactive and, unlike cotton, doesn’t wrinkle”).

Two pages of illustrations show acceptable ways to tie your scarf (ladies) or tie (gents). No boy scout knots, people. And men, your tie knot should match the “morphology of your face.” The tie should never be inside your pants, and for heaven’s sake, don’t ever attempt to wash or iron your tie yourself.

In grooming, “there’s no point in having nails that are too beautiful and very long! Many elegant women have short nails and if they’re well cared-for, your appearance will only be more beautiful and natural!”

Hair is a big deal at UBS -- studies show a stylish haircut will "increase an individual's popularity." No gray-hiding color for the gentleman. The ladies can do it as long as they keep those roots under control. “Everything that goes against nature -- for example, having to flat-iron your hair to get it straight -- generates much stress,” the rules warn.

UBS suggests its male bankers remember that “skin represents almost our first piece of clothing” and recommends they “protect it by applying a skin cream made of active nourishers and calmants. In doing so, your skin will look ‘belle’ and ‘soignee’ and your radiance will be only the more manifest!”

The men do get some leeway on how to care for their face: “Whether you shave dry or with water doesn’t matter; it’s your choice.”
POSITION:  No positions in stocks mentioned.