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The Cost of Neuroses in Society

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Woody Allen’s filmography may be an American treasure, but the damage its done to civilization by way of spreading Allen’s own neuroses to millions is all but immeasurable…until now.

Dutch researchers have finally put a price on what neurotics cost society, and it ain’t pretty.

Researchers from the VU University Medical Center in Amsterdam found “while the least neurotic individuals cost society less than $3,000 per year, the most neurotic people cost more than $22,000 a year.”

The reasons are simple. First, neurotics drive up the cost of healthcare. But there’s another reason.

According to Reuters Life! (yes, the exclamation point is part of the name…which, I don’t know about you, seems a little much. What’s next? Starbucks!! The Gap! Victoria’s Secret? It’s like they’re shouting at me. HEY! YOU THERE! WE’RE A NEWS ORGANIZATION AND NOW WE’RE GONNA TELL YOU ABOUT….LIFE!!!!!

What do these guys know about my life, anyway? If they knew anything about it, they’d know not to use an exclamation point. Believe me, an exclamation point I am not. A question mark? No, no, that sort of allegorical comparison is way too sophomoric…maybe when I was an undergraduate, in some mildly inebriated state, fueled by some self-loathing, I could conceivably describe my life as a question mark, but now I’m embarrassed even imagining that scenario. A parenthesis, maybe. Like an e.e. cummings poem, filled with parenthesis. I always had a fear of parenthesis…all those spaces they create, these voids that need to be filled. Reuters Life (). No, that’s not quite right, either. Boy, am I glad I’m not a marketing executive. Can you imagine the pressure that went into deciding to change Retuers Life to Reuters Life!. I’d lose sleep. I would literally become an insomniac over a decision like that. Next thing you know, I’m a coffee addict, just trying to get through my day. God, I’m a mess. What is that itching in my ear? Will it ever stop? It’s like there’s this little pin prick in my ear. Which reminds me, I listened to this radio program this morning about a woman whose apartment was overrun by cockroaches, and while she was sleeping one crawled into her ear. Cost her $162 just to get the emergency room doctor to take it out. Can you imagine? That’s a story for Reuters Life!)

Wait, sorry, what was I saying?

Oh right.

The other reason why neurotics cost society thousands of dollars.

The answer? Lost productivity.
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