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New Gold Vaults Could Inspire Wave of Wildly Complicated Capers

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There’s something in the air, here in New York. Some call it a phenomenon. Others call it a fad. Me? I call it a fever.

A gold fever.

The FT reports:

“JPMorgan has reopened an underground gold vault in New York that was mothballed in the 1990s, in the latest sign of the soaring appetite for bullion…. The demand for storage comes as investors are buying physical gold rather than investing in precious metals futures or mining equities.”

Sure, in this economy everybody wants gold, and some may even try prospecting it themselves. But really, who wants to get all dressed up in overalls and straw hats only to spend countless hours sluicing and sluicing until you can simply sluice no longer?

Well now, there’s another way. Good old fashion vault-stealin’!

Here’s everything you need to successfully rob a gold-vault:

First, behind every successful vault-thief there’s a dedicated team. You’ll want at least one Albanian militant with a background in explosives, a computer-whiz with a degree from Caltech, an assuming female trained by the Mossad in krav maga, and the “brains” of the operation, a person you and your team may never meet in real life but whom you will all call “Mother.”

Next, you’ll need a “plan.” It need not be particularly effective, but it must be wildly convoluted. Usually, this will involve using the sexy Israeli martial arts expert to create a diversion for the vault guards. That’s when you send in the Albanian to blow some stuff up, the computer-whiz to crack open the safe, and then you run in and steal the loot.

“Mother” will have a truck waiting for you outside. You’ll hop in, and if all goes according to plan, be whisked away to Mexico where you’ll spend the rest of your days sipping margaritas and betting on Jai Alai.

If all this sounds too dangerous / illegal, then by all means take a trip out west and look for some gold on your own.

Harold Kirkemo of the U.S. Geological Survey writes: “Although the exercise and outdoor activity experienced in prospecting are rewarding, there are few thrills comparable to finding gold. Even an assay report showing an appreciable content of gold in a sample obtained from a lode deposit is exciting.”

So there you have it. Two choices. The excitement of finding an appreciable content of gold in a sample obtained from a lode deposit. Or the excitement of leading a team of international thieves in one of the greatest bank robberies of all time.

Choose wisely, gold bugs.
POSITION:  No positions in stocks mentioned.
TAGS:  JPMORGAN, VAULTS    SOURCE:   The Financial Times