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How to Talk Like a Big-Shot Commodities Trader

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Look: If, like us, you too are planning on pretending to be a big-time commodities trader at some BBQ this Independence Day weekend, you can't risk (pun? Hahaha, get it?) being called out by some lowly equities trader looking to one-up you. Be prepared. Learn the lingo. We're here to help. Template to follow.

SCENE: A BACKYARD IN THE HAMPTONS. GUYS IN JOHN LOBB SHOES, MADRAS SHORTS, AND BLACKSTONE GOLF SHIRTS STRETCH AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE. BOBBY FLAY (THE SHINDIG IS BEING THROWN BY A DERIVATIVES TRADER FROM SAC CAPITAL, SEE?) WORKS THE GRILL FURIOUSLY.

A YOUNG TRADER MONTHLY-ISH CHAP, A SUMMER ASSOCIATE AT, SAY, MORGAN STANLEY, APPROACHES.

VODKA/CRAN IN HAND, HE STRIKES UP A CONVERSATION WHILE LOOKING OVER YOUR SHOULDER FOR OTHERS WHO MIGHT HELP ADVANCE HIS CAREER, IF YOU TURN OUT TO BE SOME KIND OF USELESS SACK OF ORGANS. LIKE AN ASTROPHYSICIST OR SOMETHING.

YOUNG TRADER MONTHLY-ISH CHAP:
Hi, I'm Lars. Where are you these days?

YOU: Right here, talking to you.

YOUNG TRADER MONTHLY-ISH CHAP:
Hahahaha--good one, Chief. I meant, where are you, as in, where do you work?

YOU: Oh, uh, I'm a--

YOUNG TRADER MONTHLY-ISH CHAP: Lemme guess--a retail broker at some bucket shop no one's ever heard of?

YOU: Actually, no. I trade commodities.

YOUNG TRADER MONTHLY-ISH CHAP: (suspiciously) Hmmm...okay. How many pounds of clover in a bushel?

YOU: Alsike, ladino, crimson, red, white, or sweet?

YOUNG TRADER MONTHLY-ISH CHAP: Impressive. Ladino.

YOU: 60.

YOUNG TRADER MONTHLY-ISH CHAP: Oh, I see we're playing hot-shot, here. Okay, Tony--

YOU: Who's Tony?

YOUNG TRADER MONTHLY-ISH CHAP: How many pounds of 20.5% moisture wheat is equivalent to a standard bushel?

YOU: Well, if 100 minus 13.5% standard moisture content equals 86.5% dry matter, and 100 minus 20.5% moisture content  equals 79.5% dry matter, 86.5 divided by 79.5 equals 108.8%. So, 108.8 times the standard bushel weight, in this case, 60 pounds, divided by 100 would mean a standard bushel equivalent to 65.28 pounds.

SILENCE FROM THE SUMMER ASSOCIATE.

YOUNG TRADER MONTHLY-ISH CHAP: Is chicken beef?

YOU: What?

YOUNG TRADER MONTHLY-ISH CHAP: There was one?

YOU: Excuse me?

YOUNG TRADER MONTHLY-ISH CHAP: Mom?

FADE OUT

Note: Lespedeza is most commonly grown in the southeastern part of Oklahoma as part of grass-legume pastures. These legumes are most productive during late summer when production of many other forages is relatively low and forage quality tends to be less than adequate. Hay yields of annual lespedeza usually range from one to two tons per acre; however, on soils with good fertility and well distributed rainfall, yields can excess six tons per acre. Now you can's say you walked away from this having learned nothing.
POSITION:  No positions in stocks mentioned.

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