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Heineken Clueless About What Makes People Drink

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Heineken reported net profits rose to $785 million in the first six months of the year. That’s a nice jump despite declining beer volumes.

According to the FT, however, the company—the world’s third largest brewer by volume—remains nervous about the consumer climate:

But when it turned to look at the risks it faces, Heineken said management attention was focused on the weak economy, with government austerity measures aimed at cutting budget deficits around the world making its products vulnerable to higher excise duties and weaker consumer purchasing power.

Plus, Heineken warned that "high unemployment...made it cautious about predicting beer consumption."

Well, fear not, Heineken. Below is an excerpt from my journal during a period of unemployment. I think you’ll be comforted.

9:00 AM – Wake up.

9:30 AM – Coffee. Cereal. Stare out window.

9:35 AM – Watching a beautiful bird soar through the heavens.  Sigh, longingly.

10:00 AM – Login to Peruse jobs.

10:15 AM – Oh, what the hell, let’s have a beer.

10:30 AM – No jobs to be found. Frustrated.

10:45 AM – You know, that beer was tasty…

10:55 AM – Impending sense of doom closing in…must stop it…must…

11:00 AM – Mmm….beer

12:00 PM – Lunch…

12:01 PM - …would go better with some beer.

2:00 PM – Watching Magnum P.I.

2:15 PM: Impending sense of doom closing in again…must stop!

3:00 PM: Sipping beer. Impending sense of doom suddenly gone.

3:45 PM: Nap time.

4:00 PM – Beer time!

5:00 PM – Well, that was a productive day. Time for happy hour.
POSITION:  No positions in stocks mentioned.