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Chrysler Spokesman Finds Way to Shoehorn Upbeat Sales Pitch Into Horrifically Sad Situation

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On Tuesday, a 22 year-old man attempted suicide by jumping from the 40th floor of a New York City building.

Tom Magill, who told investigators that he "wanted to die," miraculously survived and is now recuperating in the hospital, thanks to a 2008 Dodge Charger parked down below that broke his fall.

Magill had rods inserted into both legs and doctors operated yesterday to relieve clotting in his chest and groin.

What did Dodge have to say about it?

After heaping praise on the Charger's "high-strength steel structure" for helping to soften the blow, company spokesman Jiyan Cadiz said, "We are glad that Mr. Magill survived the 40-story free-fall and that our Dodge Charger was able to cushion his landing."

Oh, Cadiz then added, "We hope Mr. Magill gets well."

Well, that's mighty kind of you, Jiyan. This year's award for Most Empathetic--wait! What's that? LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE A NEW WINNER! I introduce to you, the owner of the car... Maria McCormack!

"Why my car out of all the cars in the city?" she said. "I can't believe my car is gone. I miss it. It's my baby. I wonder how he feels now that he made it. Does he feel like an idiot?"

Actually, I'd bet against you on that one, Maria. I'm quite sure young Tom Magill still feels, when he's not just barely conscious from the pain medication that is, the same unbearable mental anguish that caused him to attempt to take his own life in the first place.

To everyone who is now thinking to themselves, "Man, New Yorkers really are jerks," I would like to point out the following detail:

Maria McCormack is from Jersey.
POSITION:  No positions in stocks mentioned.