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Boozers Trounce Non-Drinkers on That Whole Not Dying Thing

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LEGEND OF DRUNKEN MASTERS
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It's a marvelous news day when a scientific study justifies your self-destructive behavior. "Bacon Improves Your Circulatory System, Say Scientists." "Report: Daily Marijuana Use Strengthens Vision." "New England Journal of Medicine Prescribes No Less Than Four Hours of British Sitcoms, John Carpenter Films, and Porn Per Day."

Now, at the end of a 20-year-long study, a team of researchers at the University of Texas concluded what we already know: Moderate drinking can be beneficial to your health. But here's the kicker: Heavy drinking also might have the same health benefits.

Could it be? Have I been conditioning my body for longevity merely by bending my elbow?

God, I love science.

Time Magazine reported the study which appeared in the journal Alcoholism: Clinical and Experimental Research. According to the research, heavy drinkers who consumed over four drinks per day had a higher mortality rate than moderate drinkers who enjoyed between one and three. However, non-drinkers -- AKA teetotalers, abstainers, or complete buzzkills -- have a higher mortality rate than both moderate and heavy drinkers. So much for the healthy lifestyle, fellas.

The experiment followed 1,824 participants between the ages of 55 and 65 for two decades. Only 41% of moderate drinkers died during that period, 60% of heavy drinkers, and ta-da, 69% of non-drinkers expired.

While researchers tried to eliminate as many variables as possible, the results are still inconclusive. However, the stats don't lie, and who are we to challenge a scientific study?

So raise your Buds, Makers, and Johnnie Walker Blacks. We've got some exercising to do!
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