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Ben & Jerry's Go 'No Naturel'

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We’ve all been there. It’s 3AM, you’re lying on the couch, puffy eyed from crying all night and pretty sure that in this world you just can’t catch a break.

Fortunately, there’re two guys who always understand you: Ben. And Jerry.

You sit back, throw on the fat pants, pop open a pint of Chunky Monkey and watch your troubles melt away under the sweet, sweet taste of mind-numbing deliciousness.

Ordinarily, consuming 22 grams of saturated fat, 110mg of cholesterol, and 48 grams of sugar would send you over the edge. But you figure, hey, there’s nothing to worry about: Ben & Jerry’s is “all natural.”

Well, now they’ve taken that away from us too.

Ben & Jerry’s, a division of Unilever (UN), announced it would be removing its “all natural” label from its pints after the Center for Science in the Public Interest, also known as the fun police, pointed out that ingredients like alkalized cocoa, corn syrup, and hydrogenated oil aren’t natural.

Now I don’t know what planet the scientists from CSPI live on, but here on Earth, cocoa is natural, corn is natural, syrup is natural, hydrogen is natural, and oil is natural. Not only that, but so alkalinity. Ditto partially hydrogenated soy (hey, nobody’s perfect).

So when it comes to easing the midnight blues, what would the CSPI prefer I do to self-medicate? Heroin?

I mean, come on.

Soon they’ll be telling me that soy lecithin isn’t natural (where did it come from, then, huh? Mars?).

Or that even corn syrup is somehow “fake.”

Well, Mr. Scientists, let me tell you how corn syrup is made, courtesy of a scientist who has no agenda: Dr. Wikipedia:

Currently, corn syrup is mainly produced by first adding the enzyme α-amylase to a mixture of corn starch and water. α-amylase is secreted by various species of the bacterium Bacillus; the enzyme is isolated from the liquid in which the bacteria are grown. The enzyme breaks the starch into oligosaccharides, which are then broken into glucose molecules by adding the enzyme glucoamylase, known also as "γ-amylase". Glucoamylase is secreted by various species of the fungus Aspergillus; the enzyme is isolated from the liquid in which the fungus is grown. The glucose can then be transformed into fructose by passing the glucose through a column that is loaded with the enzyme D-xylose isomerase, an enzyme that is isolated from the growth medium of any of several bacteria.

If you call that artificial, I don’t want to know what natural is.
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