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Apple, RIM Say: No More Fart Apps
September 30, 2010 09:13 AM
PULL MY FINGER
Apple and Research in Motion, manufacturers of, respectively, the iPhone and the BlackBerry, have boldly banded together and put their collective foot down on farts.
Cult of Mac
that Alan Panezic, RIM’s vicevPresident of platform product management announced:
"We don't need 200 Fart apps in App World. Those are apps you'll use three or four times then never open again. You're not looking at ads, clicking on ads or buying premium upgrades, and the app isn't adding any value to your device."
Well, Alan--if you don't think having the ability to hear such digitally recreated fart classics from iFart, the #1 fart app on iTunes, like the "Dirty Raoul," the "Bombardier," and the "Brown Mosquito" at the touch of a button adds value, then I'm not quite sure what does.
This follows the stunning announcement from Apple three weeks ago with the release of their App Store Development Guidelines:
"We have over 250,000 apps in the App Store. We don’t need any more Fart apps. If your app doesn’t do something useful or provide some form of lasting entertainment, it may not be accepted."
Now, look--does Steve Jobs, arguably the most important visionary in global technology in generations, if not ever,
believe that lovingly-curated collections of the fart world's greatest hits such as the "Butt Bark," the "Burrito Maximo" or even something totally new and wildly innovative (yes, I'm talking about FartBattles from Pop Killer Games, which not only records your farts, but scores them based on volume, length, range, treble, and bass, before giving users a custom report on his or her fart, like humidity level, smell, and key) that changed digital flatus forever don't provide "lasting entertainment"????
Apple also said that, “We have lots of serious developers who don’t want their quality Apps to be surrounded by amateur hour.”
But, as my colleague Mike Schuster
in August, "people demand their fart apps and urine simulators to be developed only by the best designers -- years of experience under their belt and as high up the corporate ladder as possible."
Which is why Apple's director of applications technology, Philip Shoemaker, who runs the App Store for iPhones, iPods, and iPads developed what is quite possibly the gold standard in Fart Apps: Animal Farts.
As Mike explained, Animal Farts "features the rear end of an elephant or panda with the options to hear a fart, poot, drop, or a wiz. In case you're curious as to what "poot" or "drop" means, the description clears up any confusion. "What is a poot? What is a drop? Disgusting though it is, a poot is a fart with an accidental leak. A drop is just that: snapping a coil, dropping a log, or as Apple says: defecation!"
Keep up the good work, Phil. And to all you Fart App developers out there, as George H.W. Bush said to Bill Clinton as he handed over the reins of power at Clinton's first inauguration in 1993, "Don't let the turkeys get you down."
Because if there's one thing mankind needs right now, it's a Turkey Fart App.
No positions in stocks mentioned.
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