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Minyanville's Five Worst Valentine's Day Gifts

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HEART OF MOLD
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PajamaGram
If your Valentine’s Day objective this year is to completely turn yourself off and prime your lady for a nap on the couch, by all means, get her a Hoodie-Footie. One of the latest heart-adorned styles to come from PajamaGram, this snuggified ensemble, complete with “kangaroo pockets,” offers more head-to-toe coverage than a burka. When the company claims, “Valentine’s Day just got hotter,” they aren’t kidding. That being said, it’s a terrific gift if you expect the heat to get shut off.

Build a Bear
Lest you thought stuffed animals accessorized in fairy dresses or bow ties were meant for prepubescent girls or women trapped in arrested development, you’ve obviously never been acquainted with the grown adults behind Build a Bear. “Guests of all ages will enjoy our highly personalized, thoughtful gifts,” said Maxine Clark, founder and “chief executive bear.” “Whether it's your first Valentine's Day together or your 50th, you can find a meaningful gift at Build-A-Bear Workshop.”

Woefully misguided shoppers can select a cuddly-wuddly furry friend from the Build a Bear’s Valentine’s Day line or, as the name implies, create a stuffed animal drawn inspired by their emotionally stunted Valentine.

Theodent Toothpaste
This Valentine’s Day, get treated to the kind romance that can only be squeezed out of a tube. If you are to believe its PR folks, Theodent, a new toothpaste containing a cocoa extract, will win you big points with your sweetheart. “Instead of giving your Valentine a box of chocolates that is full of sugar and fat, consider giving him or her Theodent to brighten and whiten their smile,” urges Theodent President and CEO Arman Sadeghpour PhD.

Never mind that Theodent neither tastes nor looks like chocolate, it would take a pretty hard-hearted mate not to be wooed by its seductive patented fluoride substitute.

White Castle
Unless you and your partner happen to be named Harold and Kumar or you’re both hipsters hoping to earn your kitsch badges, it’s fairly puzzling why booking a table at White Castle would be the right move on Valentine’s Day. Yet for 21 years, “Cravers” have been clamoring for reservations at the greasy burger franchise -- transformed with “charming” themed decor, tableside service and a special menu -- on this evening of love and romance. We have to give it to White Castle, very few establishments promise its customers both literal and figurative heartburn on Valentine’s Day.  

Teleflora Flowers
After insulting the intelligence of men and rolling the eyes of women with this year’s Super Bowl commercial, both sexes may want to steer clear of Teleflora for their Valentine’s Day floral delivery needs. Apparently having just caught wind of a “sex sells” advertising approach, Teleflora used Victoria’s Secret (LTD) model Adriana Lima to unironically reinforce the ever-romantic quid pro quo relationship. If you don’t want to suggest to your lady that her roses are part of a transaction this Valentine’s Day, try FTD (UNTD).
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