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Three Post-Resignation Jobs for Silvio Berlusconi

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Frankly, we’re not too worried for just-departed Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi. And we don’t mean that in a he's-a-hideously-corrupt-politican-who-deserves-his-comeuppance kind of way. Before becoming ruler of the land of pizza, pasta, and Prada, Berlusconi enjoyed a diverse career path: He was a singer on cruise ships, a real estate developer, and, of course, a media mogul. Il Cavaliere will find his feet.

But what will Berlusconi do now that he has some time to himself, besides praying that Rome doesn’t burn? Well, let’s just say he’ll be a regular attendee at beauty pageants and modeling competitions. But, in case the 74-year-old finds his age is finally catching up to him, or finally tires of his nighttime shenanigans, we thought of a few vocations that would be perfect for Berlusconi as a fifth career renaissance.
Beauty Assistant at Sephora
Berlusconi is vain -- we know that much, if only because few other septuagenarians bother to get hair implants. And here’s another little-known secret: Berlusconi wears eye makeup -- everywhere. As Ariel Levy described in a fascinating New Yorker profile:

Berlusconi wears white eyeliner on his lower lids to make his eyes pop in photographs, and he uses heavy foundation on his face, which renders him the same orangey-brown color as the cast of “Jersey Shore.”

We can see it already: Working at a Jersey branch of Sephora, Berlusconi will be able to apply his handy eyeliner-drawing skills on guidos and guidettes alike and, of course, charm them with his old-world Italian. Advice for Sephora, though: Keep lawyers on retainer for the inevitable harassment suits.
Edgy, No-Holds-Barred Standup Comedian
Berlusconi is brash, doesn’t think before he speaks (or does but doesn’t really care), and gives not two hoots about whom he offends ...  sounds like comedians such as Louis C.K., Sarah Silverman, or Ricky Gervais, no? In fact, the gazillionaire doesn't even need to come up with new material -- a live world tour of some of his most noteworthy quotes would pack audiences in like The Book of Mormon. Here are some choice ones:
(Launching his 2006 reelection campaign): “I am the Jesus Christ of politics. I am a patient victim, I sacrifice myself for everyone”
(Joking about AIDS): “"An AIDS patient asks his doctor whether the sand treatment prescribed him will do any good. 'No', the doctor replies, 'but you will get accustomed to living under the earth."
(Describing relations between Russia and then-president-elect Obama after the 2008 election): “I don't see problems for Medvedev to establish good relations with Obama who is also handsome, young, and suntanned.”
(Denying the seriousness of the Italian financial crisis just last week): “The life in Italy is the life of a wealthy country, consumptions haven't diminished, it's hard to find seats on planes, our restaurants are full of people”
Mixed Martial Arts Fighter
This might sound a bit out of left field for Berlusconi, but consider this: In 2009, the then-73 year-old was interacting with the public at a political rally when he was smashed in the face and knocked to the ground by a crazed person. Despite suffering a minor nose fracture, two broken teeth, and cuts to his lip, Berlusconi only needed a week-long hospital stay before he was out and about again. Also, given the way he’s managed to dodge what would seem to be fatal political blows (corruption, prostitution, the usual) for so long, we imagine adding a quick shuffle to the left and right to his repertoire to avoid flying kicks would be a mere walk in the piazza.

(See also: In Favor of Italy's Berlusconi Resigning? Be Careful What You Wish For)
POSITION:  No positions in stocks mentioned.