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Olive Garden Finds Way to Make Menu Even Blander, Less Appealing

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Michelle Obama was not at a Hyattsville, Maryland Olive Garden today for the fried lasagna or a never-ending pasta bowl.

No, she was there to applaud Darden Restaurants for pledging to cut calories and sodium in its food by 20% over the next ten years.

"With this new commitment, Darden is doing what no restaurant company has done before," the First Lady announced. ""This is a breakthrough moment in the restaurant industry. I believe the changes that Darden will make could impact the health and well-being of an entire generation of young people."

And she's probably right. Someone drops dead from diabetes every seven seconds, according to recently released data. The last thing any living person really needs more of is a dish consisting of “Parmesan-breaded lasagna pieces, fried and served over Alfredo sauce, topped with Parmesan cheese and marinara sauce," instantly delivering "half a day’s calories (1,030) and a day’s worth of saturated fat (21 grams) and sodium (1,590 milligrams)."

But people don't go to the Olive Garden for their health any more than the Burger King is actual royalty. Salt and fat are likely the only things that keep people coming back for eggplant parmigiana that "consist[s] of crunchy eggplant Pringles bound with leathery straps of mozzarella" and something called the "Tour of Italy," which boasts approximately as much sodium in one meal as you might consume on an actual extended tour of Italy.

White House domestic policy adviser Melody Barnes called Darden’s announcement a “full-throated endorsement” of Mrs. Obama's healthy eating campaign.

Or is that just the sound of someone choking on a bottomless basket of breadsticks?

Whatever happens, Olive Garden's revamped food can't possibly be any more off-putting than their commercials:

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