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"iPad Head Girl" Ensures You'll Never, Ever Read This Magazine

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Cosmo for Guys.

How's that work out for ya, huh? Does it press the ol' interest button? Get you all excited to read inspired, male-oriented journalism from the Cosmo crew? You know, captivating articles like how to make a Lemon Drop Martini or what Kim Kardashian really thinks about first dates? (Those are actual articles, by the way.)

Or does the concept just sit there, festering in its fetid fumes as it's lightly scorched in the sun like a dead trout left on a NYC sewer grate?

Well, whether you mock it or ignore it completely, Hearst is bringing it to you regardless and making it the publisher's first iPad-only magazine. And to ensure that you'll never, ever consider giving this digital periodical a passing glance, Hearst released a corny viral ad as a way to say, "Hey! When you're done reading back issues of Stuff, check this out!"

In case the subtext is too subtle for the aspiring Cosmo for Guys reader, the iPad Head Girl plays your average young woman, mystifying the men of Bryant Park like no other marginally curious sight has done to New Yorkers before. As the planted actors stare in bewilderment -- "A woman?! What are those?! HOW DO I TALK TO IT?!?!" -- only the well-tanned gym rat is confident enough to approach this skittish creature.

By clumsily touching her head.

But what's inside this Pandora's Box of wonder and intrigue? Well, first up is a topless woman, so there's that. Something called a "Sex Map" and a guide to decipher her "bedroom sounds." And, of course, a gift guide 'cause those gals love to shop!

Speaking with The Next Web, the video's creative director removes any further confusion. "The concept and analogy here is to show a guy 'getting inside a girl's head' and sort of 'reading her mind' by flipping through the magazine pages on the iPad. The reason for that is: it is the first magazine for men that is written by women, so for the first time women are letting guys in on what they think."

Yep. "For the first time, women are letting guys in on what they think."

In other words, rather than actually talking to a woman and hearing what they think, Cosmo for Guys allows men to become familiar with that mysterious enigma that is "woman" by perfecting sex techniques, buying her things, and getting her drunk. It simplifies an entire gender into a swarm of vapid, materialistic dullards who are only interested in beauty tips and serving a man's interests.

Or, to put it another way, it truly is Cosmo for guys.

(See also: Apple's New iPhone Coming Later Than Expected and Microsoft Slams Google in Parody Video)

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