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Hilarious Quotes from Scathing "Duke Nukem Forever" Reviews

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FAIL TO THE KING
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This wasn't the case of high expectations ruining an experience.

This wasn't retribution for 15 years of false starts, empty promises, and pent-up frustration.

Duke Nukem Forever is simply a bad game.

After waiting a decade and a half for a followup to the endlessly playable Duke Nukem 3D, gamers were ready to sink their teeth into a modern version of what brought them hours of first-person fun back in 1996. However, what they received was a rushed, shoddy, underdeveloped throwback, devoid of any regard to how the gaming industry has evolved since the mid-'90s.

Nostalgia baiting is one thing, but when the title can't even elicit a grin -- let alone a recommendation -- it's no wonder how so many of us have moved on to cheaper iPhone and Android games rather than dropping $60 on a glorified movie quote.

But the upside is that since that awful experience was shared across the board, reviewers let fly some of the most hilariously scathing reviews for the PS3/Xbox 360/PC title this side of a Wii shovelware game.

You gotta give Duke Nukem Forever some credit: It produced some of the best comedy to come out of the gaming industry in recent memory.

Too bad it wasn't within the game.


Martin Gaston, Videogamer:
"In spite of the extensive time spent in development, Duke Nukem Forever feels painfully unfinished and shockingly uninspired. Its fatal flaw is that it tries, unsuccessfully, to blend the modern style of shooter with retro sensibilities. So, despite Duke asserting that 'power armour is for pussies,' you've got recharging health and a two-weapon inventory system mixed with an entire genre's worth of linear paths."


Jeff Buckland, Atomic Gamer:
"I felt like I owed the game this after so many years and so many shattered hopes and dreams, but it didn't pay me back. Oh, sure, the graphics are good for about five years ago, which isn't a bad update from Gearbox considering that this game should have been released long before that, but that's about all I can really say on that front. The sneering, offensive attitude of Duke needed more of an update than the gameplay or graphics did, as he's stealing jokes from movies that came out years before, or just trying to be offensively funny in ways that wind up being incredibly awkward. He's not the lovable jerk he once was; he's just a jerk now."


Amanda L. Kondolojy, Cheat Code Central:
"Even as the scenery changes, Duke's lines and attitude remain the same. Again, some of this can be chalked up to the Duke Nukem formula, but even in a game that is so clearly based on satire, the game quickly becomes a parody of itself and most of the humor falls flat as a result. In fact, some of the humor comes across as downright disturbing, as the alien plot goes to some dark places that even the scariest torture-porn horror flick doesn't dare go. I'm not sure if the developers thought putting these scenes in the game would make it more 'edgy,' but the effect comes off as callous and tasteless. And not in a 'Oh, that's just Duke' kind of way; it's more of an 'I need to go take a shower in boiling water' kind of way."


David Brown, Bit Gamer:
"The whole nudity and virtual women thing in the game isn't offensive, it's just embarrassing. Watching Question Time is more erotically stimulating than Duke Nukem Forever's unskippable, zombiefied lap dancers."


Charles Onyett, IGN:
"In most cases, the sections in Duke Nukem Forever that connect the shooting are dull, derivative experiences that feel like they exist for no other reason than to bloat the story mode, and it isn't clear if they're meant to parody video game filler content. It might be different if Duke approached a puzzle section, laughed, lobbed some curse words at it and moved on, but since we're forced to solve the puzzles to continue it's not tongue-in-cheek satire, unless the joke is on us."


Randy Nelson, Joystiq:
"Every time I died there was between 30 and 45 long seconds of loading, during which I was treated to such helpful hints as the fact that dodging gunfire is good and that enemies sometimes drop weapons. I'm still not sure which words of advice were supposed to be jokes – or if any of them were. Actually, the most fitting piece of strategy to impart would have been 'don't die,' but in all my waiting on those infernal screens that one never appeared."


Dan Whitehead, Eurogamer:
"It's not fun at all. It's depressing. Duke's long-awaited comeback has turned him from genre innovator to wheezing has-been. In the time since his last outing, the likes of Halo, Battlefield, Call of Duty and Grand Theft Auto have all gone from nothing to world-conquering, genre-defining juggernauts. Even within his own narrow niche, Bulletstorm and Gearbox's own Borderlands have taken Duke's irreverent shooter crown and made it their own, and it seems that after a decade and a half on the shelf, the self-proclaimed king no longer has the muscle to claim it back. Duke Nukem Forever attempts to turn back the clock, but can't even get that right."


Jim Sterling, Desctructoid:
"Duke Nukem Forever is a festering irrelevance with nothing to offer the world. It's a game with an odious personality, one that could only endear itself to the sociopathic and mentally maladjusted. There may be life in Duke yet, but not his current incarnation. Not while his developers legitimately think he's cool and hilarious, rather than creepy and nauseating, and not while he's starring in games that can't even compete with budget titles, let alone the AAA experiences that Duke Nukem Forever arrogantly launches alongside.

The game will sell well based on pure hype and audacity, but history will not look favorably upon this game. Nor should it. Nobody should think kindly of such a miserable, lifeless, grotesque little game."


(See also: Nintendo Admits to Falsifying Wii U Footage and GameStop Makes Pirating Look a Whole Lot Better)
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