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Real "$#*! My Dad Says" Dad Reacts to Cancellation

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Nobody sets out to make a bad show. But with any premise, enough network interference can effectively kill any and every idea a creator has. Such was the case with $#*! My Dad Says -- the recently canceled CBS sitcom.

Inspired by the hilariously profane Twitter feed by creator Justin Halpern, the series debuted last September to God awful reviews. By keeping in line with network censors, the poetic raunch of the Twitter account was completely removed. In its stead, a very watered-down sitcom involving a curmudgeon and his kid failed to impress critics. Unlike the Twitter account, this wasn't worthy of passing an iPhone or Android around the dinner table. But despite the lack of appeal, the series still pulled in not-so-terrible ratings.

However, they weren't good enough for CBS -- which normally specializes in watered-down sitcoms.

Naturally, Halpern was disappointed to hear the news. "Until," he writes, "I remembered that I got a TV show based off a Twitter feed and a book and was basically the luckiest a****** who ever roamed this earth."

Risking a vulgar and uncaring response, Halpern decided to call his dad -- the inspiration for the Twitter account and sitcom -- and tell him the news. What followed was the most Zen-like stream of obscenities a 75-year-old man could offer:

"Hey. What do you need. I'm busy," he said.

"Do you have a second?" I said.

"Is this Justin?" he said.

"Yeah. Who'd you think it was?"

"Didn't know. Just picked up the phone."

"You didn't know who it was and you answered the phone with 'Hey. What do you need? I'm busy?,' " I asked.

"Lets people know not to f*** around with my time," he said.

"My show got cancelled," I said.

There was a moment of silence on the other end of the line and I wasn't sure if he heard me. I was about to say it again, when he spoke.

"Well. F***. Sorry to hear that, son."

"Eh, it's okay. It happens. It was crazy I got a show on the air in the first place."

"Well, I liked it. It was kind of s***ty at first, but I thought it got a lot better. You know what show I like? Cheers. That was a good show," he said.

"That was a good show," I said, wondering if that was part of a larger point he was about to make.

"Also I liked The Simpsons. At first I thought, it's just a stupid cartoon for pants-s***ters, but I was wrong, great show." (Pants-s***ters is how my dad refers to toddlers.)

"Well, I just wanted to let you know. I know you're busy so I'll let you go," I said.

"I'm 75. If you're busy when you're seventy-five, you f***ed up the first seventy-five years. I want you to know that I'm proud of you. You didn't put a bullet through Bin Laden but I'm proud of you. You're a bust-ass kid."

"Thanks," I said.

"And let's not forget the big picture here. You don't have to live with me anymore. One less person crawling up your ass every morning. That's all anyone can f***ing ask for."

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon...

(See also: CBS Series Disappearing from DVR Menus)
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