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Apple iPad Killing US Jobs, Says Clueless Congressman

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I never forgave the DVD industry for destroying all the VHS jobs. I'm still furious at Sony for creating the Walkman and essentially handing pink slips to 8-Track manufacturers. And don't get me started about Henry Ford and what he did to all those cash-strapped horses.

And now, Rep. Jesse Jackson of Illinois has taken my righteous anger and heaped it upon Apple for creating the iPad -- i.e. The Bane of Publishing Houses Nationwide.

On the House floor, Jackson railed against Cupertino and Steve Jobs specifically after having purchased an iPad. Holding the destroyer of employment in his hand, Jackson realized that this tool of the Devil was "responsible for eliminating thousands of American jobs."

"Why do you need to go to Borders anymore?" Jackson queried. "Why do you need to go to Barnes and Noble? Buy an iPad and download your book! Download your newspaper! Download your magazine!"

Oh, that cursed convenience!

Seriously, can't we just shut down the entire Internet? Where's that bill? I'll vote for it!

Jackson added that the members of freshman class at Chicago State University aren't given textbooks any longer -- they're given iPads. The president of the university hopes to turn the school into a "textbook-less campus" within four years.

Jackson pleads, "What becomes of publishing companies and publishing company jobs?"

Hmm, good question. Lemme take a stab at it.

Well, Jesse, I assume they can always publish e-books as they have for the better part of a decade now. Also, I'd reckon they could add a few designers to the payroll to create interactive apps that offer a far-better learning experience to students -- one that might be partaken underneath a tree since there's less reliance on pulp and paper in this digital future. I'm guessing these publishers also won't have to absorb the annual expense of reprinting, shipping, and destroying textbooks because there's one paragraph of new information on the Battle of Gettysburg.

And I'm figuring the students who don't have to fork over hundreds of dollars each semester won't have to depend as much on part-time minimum wage jobs to get a decent education.

Oh, but I'm forgetting the chiropractors who are seeing less business because students aren't required to carry 50 lbs. of textbooks on their backs. The adhesive bandage manufacturers who've seen sales plummet given the limited number of paper cuts nowadays.

And let's not forget the industries of unnecessary expense that refused to evolve and held onto outdated and obsolete modes of commerce, thus becoming a part of the millions of times throughout history where something newer and better came along and eventually phased out antiquated products and services.

You're right, Jesse. I take it all back.

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