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Breathe In One Million, Breathe Out One Billion

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Let the financial guru guide you to your full potential.

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Editor's Note: Breaking news from our satire department.

The Center for Leadership Performance has moved into the historic American Bank Note Building, one block from the New York Stock Exchange, to teach the Masters of the Universe the power of transcendental meditation techniques ...The center promotes the benefits of meditating for 20 minutes, twice a day, including increased creativity, lessened stress, enhanced ability to focus, and reduced blood pressure.
--November 2009, AM New York


And exhale, two, three …

Everyone balanced and stabilized? Super. Now, close your eyes and get in the Upward-Facing Price-Earnings Ratio pose. Visualize your portfolio in the next financial quarter. Let your mind roam outside the box to a wondrous, faraway emerging market filled with generous angel investors, bountiful blue chips, and endless seed money raining down like mammon from heaven.

Don't fantasize about that four-bedroom cottage with a pool in the Hamptons; that's not what this is about. Imagine that six-bedroom Colonial with a planetarium on the Cape. You deserve it.

Go higher… higher… way higher. No, not you guys -- I'm Bluetoothing with my broker about a pharma IPO for a new antidepressant that's the ultimate in inner peace. While we're on the subject, can everyone turn their iPhones (AAPL) and BlackBerries (RIMM) to the loudest ringer setting? This is not the time to miss any ticker updates or Google Alerts (GOOG).

Anyone know where Freddie (FRE) and Fannie (FNM) and those two brothers have been the last few months? Strange. Well, it's good to see a bunch of new faces here. And all the way from China, no less. I bet you could teach us a thing or two! (See also Five Things: Social Mood Fuels the China Bull.)

Pair up for Prosperous Mutual Bonds. Hold each other at a fixed annuity -- don't let your yield curve. It's normal to feel a little sluggish at first. Diversify for 10 years… twenty years… thirty years… and mature.

Not like that, Merrill. Watch how Chase facilitates flexibility by hedging his short-term risks with covered interest arbitrage. No worries if you can't quite do it; this is a judgment-free zone. Except for your shareholders in the event of a hostile takeover. Or a jury of your peers if you're indicted for insider trading. Or your trophy wife if this year's bonus isn't enough for that South Pacific island she's had her eye on.

I sense the ambiance is a little tense, so I'm going to light a few Citigroup-sponsored lavender candles and play the audiobook version of Alan Greenspan's The Age of Turbulence: Adventures in a New World. Luxuriate in his liquid, rationally exuberant voice. Let your subprime anxieties ooze out of you like so much overpriced oil that has had a devastating ripple effect on food prices, airlines, and, due to the petrochemicals required for their manufacture, the whoopee-cushion industry.

My apologies, got a little carried away. Take it from me: Never act on the advice of fools or clowns. Literally, a circus clown with a "hot stock tip" and a previously undisclosed majority stake in a gag-gift conglomerate.

Time to nourish the spirit. Genuflect before the statue of the Oracle of Omaha and recite this simple mantra until your mind is clear: National Association of Securities Dealers Automated Quotation System. Just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?

We'll move on to some "voodoo economics." Each of you massage a different chakra center on this Ben Bernanke doll so your positive, bullish energy trickles down to his next economic forecast and he slashes interest rates by three-quarters of a point. Watch it! That's his soft chi pressure point -- we don't want an admonitory remark on rampant overspeculation in the tech sector.

Let's wrap up with a sage proverb my old mentor from the University of Chicago always used to intone: "He who speculates with futures must always pay attention to whether the market is in contango or backwardation when the time comes to roll into the new front-month contract." What he really meant, I think, is that if we simply look inside of ourselves, we'll find we already have the leverage necessary to secure low premiums at an advantageous strike price, ceteris paribus.

I hear my 401(k) class outside the door, and they get cranky if they're not done by 4:30 for the early-bird special. See you all next week, but please note that the cost has risen; I'm really feeling the burn lately from the old seaplane commute. Sorry, no checks -- only cash.

Preferably in euros.

For more on money and meditation, see Hoofy & Boo's always astute report.




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No positions in stocks mentioned.

Copyright © Teddy Wayne 2010

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