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Bacon Double Cheeseburgers Do a Body Good


Men's Health, nutritionists be damned.

A banner ad on the Men's Health website urges the "Y"-chromosome impaired to "EAT for smokin' SEX APPEAL."

The magazine's nutritional tips might better be called "The Electroshock Diet" because the findings will leave you depressed. After all, what's life without Chili's Smokehouse Bacon Triple-the-Cheese Big Mouth Burger with Jalapeno Ranch Dressing? The name alone is a mouthful, and the burger weighs in at 2,040 calories,150 grams of fat and 4,900 milligrams of sodium. Yummy!

The health tyrants at Men's Health note, "You'll be face-to-face with 2-and-a-half day's worth of fat - a full third of which is saturated." The point being...What?

Chili's is a division of Brinker International (EAT), and the parent company is second only to Darden Restaurants (DRI) in the casual-dining sector. Chili's understands -- if Men's Health doesn't -- that sometimes a guy just has to be stupid. Some would argue that stupidity is the default setting of the male of the species. But what stud, worthy of his bracing aftershave in a designer bottle, would be caught dead eating the magazine's recommended substitute, The Old Timer Burger on a whole wheat bun?

Pizza -- brain food for undergraduates and those who think like kids everywhere -- fares no better.

Uno Chicago Grill's Classic Deep Dish Pizza gets slammed for a "horrific 228% of your daily allowance of fat and 167% of your daily sodium intake." Now ask yourself: would you prefer a bowl of alfalfa sprouts and George Eliot's "Middlemarch," or pizza so grand that the grease runs down your wrist?

Health nags routinely inform the great unwashed that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Men's Health warns that Hardee's (CKR) Monster Biscuit is the worst breakfast sandwich of the year. "This 710-calories behemoth should be enough to scare anyone: it contains nearly a full day's worth of sodium and saturated fat." Well yes, but after gobbling a couple monster biscuits, you're all but certain to nod off during the staff meeting that your insane boss cruelly scheduled for 8:30 a.m. If not, you're sure to belch - the perfect counterpoint to office honcho's 10-point plan of the week.

You may think eating chicken makes you virtuous, especially if it comes from Dairy Queen, part of Warren Buffett's Berkshire Hathaway (BRK.A) empire, but the nattering nannies at Men's Health want to disabuse you of the quaint idea. The Dairy Queen 6-Piece Strip Basket serves up 1,270 calories, 67 grams of fat and 2,910 milligrams of sodium. Should you be wondering, that's nearly 300 calories more than a Large Strawberry CheeseQuake Blizzard. Moral: Good, Ole Groovy Warren spreads his risk by investing in a range of companies, so be sure to order the wheat-germ chaser with the chicken.

P.F. Chang's (PFCB) offers good stuff, but Men's Health urges those getting thick between the pockets to skip Tam's Noodles and the 1,678 calories that come with the dish. "You'd have to eat 42 Krispy Kreme (KKD) Glazed Doughnut Holes to match the fat content in these noodles," the magazine notes. Hmmmmmmm, a tempting prospect.

It's all distressing and depressing: you mean there's a link between diet and health? There's only one way to drown your sorrow: chug a Baskin Robbins Large Chocolate Oreo Shake (2,600 calories).

Oh hell, make it 2. Somewhere, there must be women who prefer "accomplished" men with teddy-bear tummies.
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