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ET Phones It In

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Aliens get in touch on X Files' opening weekend.

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Newsflash: Space aliens are real.

Of course, you knew that - the government's ham-fisted effort to hide the truth is a dead giveaway.

The real story is how this ties in with Friday's opening of News Corporation's (NWS) movie The X Files: I Want To Believe.

Well, think about it: a news story saying aliens are real appeared on an Australian Web site and, behold, Rupert Murdoch, El Honcho Supremo at News Corporation, is from -- you guessed it -- Australia.

Not convinced?

Well, consider: Dr. Edgar Mitchell, a veteran of the Apollo 14 mission to the moon, says space aliens exist. Moreover, he says the little extra-terrestrials have visited earth on multiple occasions, but the government -- you know, the same folks who can't run the Post Office (or Fannie Mae (FNM) and Freddie Mac (FRE), for that matter) -- have kept it secret for more than 60 years starting with the Roswell Incident.

Further proof! Roswell and Rupert both begin with "R".

C'mon, get with it: An alien space craft crashed near Roswell, New Mexico after World War II, and the military dutifully put out a news release saying they'd grabbed the flying saucer and several recently deceased aliens, but quickly followed up with a second statement saying it was just a weather balloon. (As if we don't know the difference.)

Mitchell says ETs do indeed have a small frame and large eyes set in a gawky head. He says our technology is "not nearly as sophisticated" as theirs; had the gray fellas been hostile, "we would have been gone by now."

Proof of our continuing incompetence (as if you needed any): A packed flight from London to Australia made an emergency landing in the Philippines after the flooring in the first class section gave way and part of the ceiling collapsed.

Face it: This conspiracy has legs - or maybe tentacles.

NASA says it doesn't track UFOs and isn't involved in any nefarious cover up about space creatures. (Hah! They would say that, wouldn't they?)

Memo to FBI Agents Scully and Mulder (the lead characters in the X Files, for you dreary empiricists): we're with you…And your boss, Rupert, sure has a lot of strings and levers under his desk to pull.
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