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14,000 In The Bergstresser


Bergstresser was considered the best natural talent of the three, but could never quite escape allegations that he was using performance-enhancing drugs.


Relax, it's only money.

Here in the 'Ville we like to keep things smart, but we also love to laugh. All work and no know how it goes. With that in mind we give you The "Off-Balance Sheet," a place where Minyans can experience humorous takes on the world of finance, personal stories from our Professors and Minyans and all the other stuff that makes life worth living. So take a break from the flickering ticks and dive in.

So here's something I never knew. Dow Jones (DJ) was actually founded by three guys: Charles Dow, Edward Jones and Charles Bergstresser.

Bergstresser was considered the best natural talent of the three, but could never quite escape allegations that he was using performance-enhancing drugs. He returned 112% in 1881, but the record books merely show an asterisk.

And he was ahead of his time. He had an idea "to exploit these Inter-tubes and build thy subscriber base" with some perma bullishness and an over-the-top persona. And "we shall cross-promote via pamphlets and perhaps road trips to our many fine institutions of higher learning.". And he had a plan in case one of the stocks he was plugging "shall look worse than Chester Arthur's mutton chops after an all-you-can-eat-buffalo-wings-fest":

"Just forget about it and recommend another one. It's not like anyone has TIVO or a database to reference."

So one day, Bergstresser returned to the office with an idea. "What if we create an index of all the local Gentlemen's Clubs and Speakeasies". Dow said, "Yeah, ok, sounds great, I'll get cracking". Then he sent Bergstresser out in the company Hansom cab for a box of Plus Ticks. "Last I checked, Astor had them."

Bergstresser came back from his wild goose chase three days later, and next thing he knew, his so-called friends "Benedict" Dow and "Judas" Jones were passing out flyers of some index of railroad companies. And they start calling him "Pete Best". The rest is history.

Bergstresser left to work on all sorts of projects, none of which panned out. The Bergstresser Salad? Too far ahead of his time, no one was ready for arugala quite yet. McBergstresser's Fast Food? Tough to get traffic on interstate highways before cars were invented.

"But I'll get you back, Ed and Chuck... Someday far in the future, an overseas media magnate will buy out your progeny and kick all those left wing hacks off your precious op-ed page and turn it over to Bill O'Reilly."
No positions in stocks mentioned.
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