Nationalizing Corporate America
Preemptive bailouts ensure permanent solvency.
The sharp increase in subprime mortgage loan delinquencies has exacerbated the financial calamity spreading through worldwide markets. The Federal Reserve, in conjunction with the Department of the Treasury, has taken strong steps to prevent this crisis from spilling over into the broader U.S. economy.
We have more to do.
Nationalization is an ugly word. We would prefer not to have to use it. But after much debate, we have determined that it is in the best interest of the nation that a number of corporations be brought under the umbrella of the Federal Reserve, where they will feel the warm, socialist embrace of government and operate in perpetuity without regard to bottom line.
Sadly, shareholders will bear the brunt of these important actions. But I say to them now, 'Take heart in your patriotism and know that you have done a great service to your country, if not your retirement portfolio.'
Effective immediately, state-run entities will begin operating under new names aimed at clarifying their nationalized status:
A & Dubya
When was the last time you had a root beer float? A & Dubya will return bubbly goodness to the budgets of millions of cash-strapped Americans. George W. himself will be serving at the grand opening of the Washington D.C. store, enjoying a laugh with his soon-to-be-former constituents.
Fed Bath & Beyond
Household staples like power juicers, shower caddies and duvet covers are simply not affordable for the average American. Fed Bath & Beyond will bring the luxury of the pampered to the bathroom of the pauper.
Now all American men can dress like seasoned academics cramming for their final exam in real world financial crises. You're going to like the way you look. I guarantee it.
Resourceful dumpster divers can now exchange stale, rock-hard bread for warm baguettes and buttery rolls. Try a combo meal by swapping a moldy Fuji for a crisp Granny Smith!
Ben & Hanky's Ice Cream
Top off any bartered meal with a few scoops of Ben and Hanky's smooth and delicious ice cream. And don't worry: It's moral-hazard free! Popular flavors include Heath Bar Credit Crunch and Brownie Bubble.
Bank of America
Same great bank, more intervention. The revamped B of A offers a safe environment for all your transactions, including OTB and sportsbook, allowing you to make up some of those pesky stock market losses. Payouts on trifectas, quinelas and daily double bets are all backed by Bank of America's guarantee.
In support of the struggling American auto industry, the federal government will put to work its experience creating efficient, streamlined protocol. Federal Motors vehicles will help break the dependency on foreign oil. Just dump wads of eroding dollars into the tank and step on it.
We recognize some of these proposed efficiency projects may constitute a tough transition. And so we ask for your patience. After all, nationalization of select corporations is an excellent dress rehearsal for prohibitive regulation of the entire financial system.
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