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Economic Snapshot: Prison Advice for the Average White-Collar Criminal


Our unscientific poll.


Though the headcount will never be enough for a furious public, several high-profile criminals are being carted off to the clink for having a hand in the recent economic collapse. But these aren't your average hardened thugs. Guys like Bernie Madoff and Qwest's (Q) Joseph Nacchio were understandably hesitant their first day in the gray-bar hotel.

No one expects 62-year-old Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco (TYC) to finish his term with a teardrop tattoo.

So in the cases of the financially daring but physically meek, "prison coaches" are being employed to train the convicted to handle themselves with a bit of a swagger. Often ex-cons, these prison coaches offer sound advice -- "Don't make eye contact" for example -- as well as some rudimentary forms of self defense.

Although, it's unlikely the founder of Martha Stewart Living (MSO) needed much training to take down a man twice her size.

Regardless of how many billions these white-collar ne'er-do-wells stole from the public, some won't be able to afford a high-priced prison coach after their assets are frozen. And unless they invested heavily in Corrections Corp. of America (CXW) or Cornell Companies (CRN), the prison system won't give them any special treatment.

Since a few of our friends have had their share of run-ins with the fuzz, we can offer the newly condemned our own advice of how not to drop your guard -- even though the same can't be said of the soap.

Prison Advice for the Average White-Collar Criminal

Prior to incarceration, research LinkedIn to see if anyone in your business network is detained at the same location

Prison Advice

Warn attackers that harassment could have a negative affect on their credit rating

Increase sympathy by allowing yourself to be beaten up by the weakest inmate in your cell block

Spearhead trust-building exercise program to avoid "failures to communicate"

Provide a substantial donation to the prison and hope to be relocated to a posh, newly constructed wing named in your honor

Curry favor with other prisoners by relating a delightful anecdote about the waitstaff at the Carlyle Hotel

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