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Minyanville's Business Briefs Exposed: Apple, Sallie Mae, Vonage

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Business Briefs from a uniquely Minyanville perspective.

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Relax, it's only money. Here in the 'Ville we like to keep things smart, but we also love to laugh. All work and no play...you know how it goes. With that in mind we give you The "Off-Balance Sheet," a place where Minyans can experience humorous takes on the world of finance, personal stories from our Professors and Minyans and all the other stuff that makes life worth living. So take a break from the flickering ticks and dive in.




Don't Let the Door Hit You on the Way Out


The Wall Street Journal looked into questionable practices and lax oversight of student loans, in an article titled: "Did Revolving Door Lead to Student Loan Mess?" Sources say revolving doors had nothing whatsoever to do with the hullabaloo, and that the blame rests squarely on the shoulders of sliding doors, patio doors, and standard hinged doors.




A Man of Respect

Monster Worldwide (MNST) said CEO William Pastore will leave the company and will be succeeded by Sal Ianuzzi. When asked for comment, Ianuzzi responded, "What, you think I'm a clown? Do I amuse you? I'm funny? Funny how? C'mon, how the [expletive deleted] am I funny?" He then shot a reporter in the foot before fleeing the scene in a late-model Cadillac Seville.




Diffi...Cult

Negotiations between Merrill Lynch (MER) and Tom Cruise's United Artists over a $500 million film-financing package are being held up because Merrill is having trouble finding an equity partner. Sources say Cruise's star power is a positive factor, although finding financiers that believe an intergalactic ruler called Xenu rounded up the populations of 76 planets and sent them to Earth where their bodies were dropped in volcanoes millions of years ago is proving to be difficult.




Psst...Wanna Buy a Company?

Over the last four months, two senior executives at Dow Chemical (DOW) held a series of secret meetings with investment bankers and prospective investors about selling the company-even though it wasn't for sale. In related news, Minyanville's Kevin Depew and Kevin Wassong are offering General Motors (GM), DuPont, and Wal-Mart (WMT) to the highest bidder.




No Leopards Were Harmed While Making This Computer

Apple (AAPL) announced that Leopard, the new version of its flagship Macintosh OSX operating system, would be delayed by up to four months due to quality issues. PETA immediately released a statement saying, "We are appalled that Apple would confine innocent leopards to a small plastic box just so people can type documents and surf the internet. We call for an immediate boycott."




Headed to the Unemployment Line

Don Imus was dismissed by CBS Radio yesterday for a racially-charged on-air comment, in which he called the Rutgers University women's basketball team "nappy-headed hos." Imus explained his remark as "an innocent remark that got blown out of proportion by a bunch of Philips-headed screwdrivers, red-headed woodpeckers, and rare Amazonian two-headed tortoises."




Should be a Great Show

Finance ministers from the Group of Seven will gather in Washington this weekend, ahead of IMF and World Bank meetings. In related news, the Gang of Four will play in London this weekend, ahead of REM and Franz Ferdinand sets.




Sexy Sallie

It was reported that Sallie Mae (SLM) is in talks to be bought for more than $20 billion. According to insiders, jealous cousin Daisy Rae said, "$20 billion for that skank? The most I ever got was $50 an hour-and I'm so much hotter."




Ummm...Are You High?

Michael F. Snyder, the CEO of Vonage (VG), has resigned to make room for Jeffrey A. Citron, Vonage's founder. When asked why he chose to return, Citron said, "With the ongoing Verizon (VZ) patent infringement lawsuit, the 80% decline in the value of our stock, coming up short on expectations across the board, and the fact that we'll most likely be closing up shop in the very near future, I thought this was the perfect time to come back and savor the sweet smell of success."
No positions in stocks mentioned.

The information on this website solely reflects the analysis of or opinion about the performance of securities and financial markets by the writers whose articles appear on the site. The views expressed by the writers are not necessarily the views of Minyanville Media, Inc. or members of its management. Nothing contained on the website is intended to constitute a recommendation or advice addressed to an individual investor or category of investors to purchase, sell or hold any security, or to take any action with respect to the prospective movement of the securities markets or to solicit the purchase or sale of any security. Any investment decisions must be made by the reader either individually or in consultation with his or her investment professional. Minyanville writers and staff may trade or hold positions in securities that are discussed in articles appearing on the website. Writers of articles are required to disclose whether they have a position in any stock or fund discussed in an article, but are not permitted to disclose the size or direction of the position. Nothing on this website is intended to solicit business of any kind for a writer's business or fund. Minyanville management and staff as well as contributing writers will not respond to emails or other communications requesting investment advice.

Copyright 2011 Minyanville Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

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