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Off-Balance Sheet: Talkin' 'Bout MF Global


MF Global will be quite a departure from the buttoned-up Man Group


Relax, it's only money. Here in the 'Ville we like to keep things smart, but we also love to laugh. All work and no know how it goes. With that in mind we give you The "Off-Balance Sheet," a place where Minyans can experience humorous takes on the world of finance, personal stories from our Professors and Minyans and all the other stuff that makes life worth living. So take a break from the flickering ticks and dive in.

The Man Group, the world's largest publicly traded hedge fund operator, recently announced that it would spin off its brokerage division to focus on its asset management unit.

London-based Man plans to list a majority stake in the brokerage unit, which will be renamed MF Global, on the New York Stock Exchange.

"It's a perfect name," said Richard Roundtree, who portrayed Detective John Shaft in the 1971 film "Shaft" and is now MF Global's spokesman. "Them brokers at MF Global? They some baaaaaaaad MF-ers."

Richard "Shaft" Roundtree, MF Global's spokesman

According to a source close to the company, MF Global will be quite a departure from the buttoned-up Man Group. All reception areas will prominently display one of the following three posters:

The Pam Grier classic "Coffy"

The seminal "Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song"

D'Urville Martin's 1975 "Dolemite"

MF Global has also brought in Lester Willis, known in the trade as "Panama Red" to design its offices-which will reflect MF Global's distinctly different corporate personality.

A view of the trading floor at The Man Group

A view of the trading floor at MF Global

Kevin Davis, incoming chief executive of MF Global, had this to say when asked what his expectations were for the company in moving forward:

"Well, first off, I expect that MF Global will give Man the freedom to focus on its $61 billion money management and hedge fund unit. Secondly, I expect MF Global to generate about 15 percent of the group's overall profit. And third, I expect all the other jive-ass brokers out there to stay the hizzell out my MF-ing wizzay-I got my mind on my MF-ing money and my money on my MF-ing mizzind. We MF-ers ain't takin' no shorts, you know what I'm sayin'?"

Kevin Davis, MF Global's CEO

Chris Smith, an American, will be MF Global's COO, arriving at the firm with over 20 years of experience handling day-to-day operations and "turning b-----s out" for renowned pimp Bishop Don Magic Juan's $20 million-a-year Chicago outfit.

MF Global's COO Chris Smith

I attempted to interview Amy Butte, MF Global's CFO at the Player's Ball, an annual "pimps 'n hos" convention, but was immediately turned down.

This was seconded by Nigel Collins, MF Global's Managing Director and Ms. Butte's escort for the evening, who threatened to slap me "upside the MF-ing head."

Nigel Collins, MF Global's 31 year-old Managing Director

News of the split sent Man Group shares down 10 pence, or 1.8 percent, to £5.55 in London. The Man Group's parent company, The Woman Bunch, had no comment at press time.
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