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VIDEOTickets Vs. Tickers, Part II
One man's quest to find out if scratch tickets are a better investment than today's stock market.
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Monday: March 2, 2009
Success! I’ve scratched my way to my first win. One whole dollar!
After the throes of ecstasy have subsided, I recall Oscar Wilde’s famous line: “In this world, there are only 2 tragedies. One is not getting what one wants; the other is getting it.”
True dat, Oscar. Winning ain’t easy. As my good friend Justin Rohrlich points out, a good number of lotto winners end up squandering their fortunes and succumbing to despair, poverty, and generalized misery. Like one William Post.
“William Post, who won $16.2 million in the Pennsylvania Lottery in 1988, was sued by an ex-girlfriend for a share of the winnings, survived an attempt on his life by a hitman hired by his brother and invested in business ventures that returned nothing. Within a year, he was a million dollars in debt. He then did time in jail for firing a gun at a bill collector and now lives on food stamps.”
But I’m not too worried. I may have won $1, but I lost $4.
Losing never felt so safe.
Tuesday: March 3, 2009
All right. Turnaround Tuesday. Here we go.
I’m no investor, but I’ve been around the ‘Ville long enough to know there are tools to help boost returns. Charts. Graphs. Indicators. All sorts of highly complex systems designed to make your money work for you.
And guess what? Same thing goes with the scratch-tickets. According to How You Can Cheat on Scratch-Offs, there’s a way to game the system and win big.
Rule 1: Choose tickets for which “the odds of winning are good.” Brilliant!
Rule 2: “Don’t be contented with just a ticket when you can control the game with monopoly. Cheat others’ chances of winning and cheat like a tycoon gambler.”
In other words, if you simply buy all of the tickets sold in Manhattan on any given day, you’re sure to win! I wonder if this theory could be applied to shares of Citigroup (C).
Rule 3: “Don’t be pleased with just a dollar bet when you can get free plays with a higher bet. Play it big to win big.”
Now this, I like. I buy a $5 ticket. And lose.
Wednesday: March 4, 2009
Last week, I introduced you to Harry. He’s the guy who works at the newsstand outside the office, the guy I’ve hired as my “broker,” the guy who for the past 7 days has sold me junk tickets that are performing worse than GM (GM).
So, like millions of Americans before me, I’m dumping my broker. Sayonara, Harry! I’m off to a new shop 1 block up.
Harry isn’t the only “broker” who’s losing in this market. In fact, some financial advisors are suffering just as badly as their clients.
In Sonoma Country, California, brokers are on the frontline of job losses, reports the Sonoma Press Democrat. (And given the ongoing newspaper die-off, the reporters at the good old Democrat may be joining them soon.)
My new broker, name unintelligible, sells me 5 bucks worth of “Cashing Through the Snow” tickets.
I win 1 buck, lose 4.
Thursday: March 5, 2009
Rana Kisacky, I’ve got a bone to pick with you.
Rana is one of New York State’s latest millionaires. She scratched her way to glory on January 26, with a ticket she bought at the Johnson City convenience store where she works.
Now, call it what you will (insider trading, anyone?), but I find the notion of a lotto salesperson winning the lottery just a wee bit suspicious, if not entirely infuriating.
As for me, it’s just another day of losses.
Friday: March 6, 2009
Another week done. I finish the week up with a ticket that sounds either like a delicious ice-cream flavor or a highly specialized marital aid: The Black Cherry Doubler. I win $1, and lose $4.
So far, I’m down 23%.
The S&P? Down 8%.
See you next week.
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