Sorry!! The article you are trying to read is not available now.
Thank you very much;
you're only a step away from
downloading your reports.

Fending Off That New Year's Hangover


Drinkers have tried many methods to speed the return to sobriety... or at least end the incessant banging in their heads.

If your voice rattles and bangs through your skull like a snowplow on rough pavement, face it: You've got a hangover.

Happy New Year!

The question, if it doesn't hurt to think, is: What-To-Do-About-It?

But first, gentle boozer, a bit of ancient history:

Last night, you guzzled more than your fair share of ethyl alcohol. The "hot and rebellious liquors" Shakespeare warned about were absorbed through the stomach and small intestine and metabolized in the liver.

Alcohol flowed through your veins. (Jack Daniel's or Southern Comfort (BFB) sounds about right, but Bud (BUD) and Coors (TAP) will do in a pinch. Robert Mondavi (STZ) is reserved for sophisticates who can handle corked bottles.)

Because alcohol is a central nervous system depressant, your physical reactions took a tumble with what you optimistically called your inhibitions.

What you are now experiencing is the slow, painful detoxification process.

Drinkers have tried many methods to speed the return to sobriety – or at least end the incessant banging in the head.

"Proven" methods include:

  • Oxygen
  • Hair of the dog
  • Tepid toast
  • Heavy doses of candy bars
  • Massive infusions of Vitamin B or C
  • Flat beer
  • Cold oatmeal
  • Death

Drinkers, who like poet Walt Whitman asked, "Have we not groveled here long enough, eating and drinking like mere brutes?" plan ahead for binges and offer these helpful hints:

  • Four large glasses of Adam's Ale (water) and two aspirin before bed
  • Warm milk
  • Cold milk
  • Moose milk
  • Anything but milk
  • Liquid bison between the sheets, a.k.a. beef bouillon in bed
  • Brandy and prune juice
  • Guilt, shame and profound remorse

Of course, there is a simple solution.

Poet Ben Johnson asked the object of his desire to "drink to me only with thine eyes/…Or leave a kiss but in the cup/And I'll not look for wine."

However, this tactic may be a bit mushy for your current condition. One teetotaler, in an apoplexy of logic, suggested: "Don't drink the night before."

That's fine for fiscal conservatives, but the rest of us can repeal last night.

So, ask Don Quixote, the man of La Mancha, who noted, "I drink when I have the occasion and sometimes when I have no occasion."

Señor Quick Oats (That's 90-proof ethyl speaking) advised: "Sleep is drink to the thirsty."

Sound advice.

And turn off the light.

< Previous
  • 1
Next >
No Position in the Stocks Mentioned
The information on this website solely reflects the analysis of or opinion about the performance of securities and financial markets by the writers whose articles appear on the site. The views expressed by the writers are not necessarily the views of Minyanville Media, Inc. or members of its management. Nothing contained on the website is intended to constitute a recommendation or advice addressed to an individual investor or category of investors to purchase, sell or hold any security, or to take any action with respect to the prospective movement of the securities markets or to solicit the purchase or sale of any security. Any investment decisions must be made by the reader either individually or in consultation with his or her investment professional. Minyanville writers and staff may trade or hold positions in securities that are discussed in articles appearing on the website. Writers of articles are required to disclose whether they have a position in any stock or fund discussed in an article, but are not permitted to disclose the size or direction of the position. Nothing on this website is intended to solicit business of any kind for a writer's business or fund. Minyanville management and staff as well as contributing writers will not respond to emails or other communications requesting investment advice.

Copyright 2011 Minyanville Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Featured Videos