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Minyanville's Business Briefs Exposed: Molson Coors, Goodyear, Credit Suisse...


Business Briefs from a uniquely Minyanville perspective.


Relax, it's only money.

Here in the 'Ville we like to keep things smart, but we also love to laugh. All work and no know how it goes. With that in mind we proudly introduce The "Off-Balance Sheet," a place where Minyans can experience humorous takes on the world of finance, personal stories from our Professors and Minyans and all the other stuff that makes life worth living. So take a break from the flickering ticks and dive in.

Someone once said, "If you can't laugh at yourself, then who can you laugh at?" Others, that's who. Minyanville's Business Briefs Exposed takes a look at the week's business news through a different lens-a slightly, shall we say, cracked lens. So, take five and start the weekend with a smile on your face.

Don't Forget to Inhale!

Members of Congress on both sides of the aisle reintroduced legislation yesterday to further crack down on marketing aimed at young people. A key component of the legislation would make it easier for tobacco companies to market cigarettes to old people because, on top of the broken hips, the renal failure, the cataracts, the osteoporosis, the hardened arteries and the incontinence, what's a little lung cancer?

Now, There's a Good Temporary Solution

The Molson Coors Brewing Company said that its fourth-quarter profits soared on increased sales volume, a lower tax rate, cost savings, and Jerry LaRocha, a problem drinker in Columbus, Ohio.

Fell on Black Days

Lawyers for Conrad M. Black, former head of the Hollinger media empire, asked a judge to bar prosecutors from showing jurors a tape on which a shareholder calls him "a thief." However, Black's attorneys did give the go-ahead for the jury to see a tape on which a shareholder calls Black a "scumbag," "human garbage," and "a lying sack of s--t."

Is Is There There An An Echo Echo In In Here Here??

Citigroup (C) chief executive Charles Prince recently traveled to Riyadh to meet Saudi Prince Alwaleed bin Talal, Citigroup's biggest shareholder. Prince spoke with the Prince, who advised Prince on the Prince's ideas as to how Prince could improve Citigroup's performance. Prince and the Prince both agreed that The Artist Formerly Known as Prince (and currently known as Prince) has gone downhill since he got dumped by Carmen Electra.

We Feel Your Pain, We Really Do

Jeffrey Katzenberg, worth just under $860 million at last count, has been awarded $2.17 million by a Denver jury in a lawsuit he brought against Goodyear Tire & Rubber (GT). Katzenberg testified that faulty heating hoses manufactured by Goodyear damaged the floors in his 13,000 square-foot vacation home and left him "heartbroken." In related news, recently laid-off Goodyear employees traveled to Katzenberg's home, planning to leave him "armbroken," "neckbroken," and "legbroken."

Wayne To Go, Brady!

Brady Dougan, a Midwesterner, has been named chief executive of Credit Suisse. Dougan's appointment marks the first time an American-and a non-German speaker-has been the company's CEO. "I may not speak German," Dougan said in a statement. "But liverwurst is my favorite cold cut, plus I'm a huge Wayne Newton fan and I must've listened to 'Danke Schoen' like, 400 million times."

It's Practically Bouncing Off The Walls

World raw sugar futures have hit a six-week high on the New York Board of Trade. Experts expect the effects of the sugar high to be mitigated by Ritalin and a ten-minute timeout.

And No Bottled Water, Either

A Senate committee voted to give airport screeners the collective-bargaining and whistleblower-protection rights that most other federal employees have. The committee insisted on several conditions before granting the screeners the new rights and protections, including having to remove their shoes while engaged in collective-bargaining talks and emptying their pockets of all loose change and keys before blowing the whistle on wrongdoers.

Al-Hate, Al-The Time

A new Arabic-language television channel, Layalina, will be joining Al-Jazeera, Al-Hurra, and Al-Arabiya. Industry insiders say Layalina will be filling an important niche in the Arab world, catering to Muslims that simply hate Americans with a vitriolic rage, as opposed to those who hate Americans with all their souls, those whose hatred for Americans burns with a white-hot intensity and those who hate Americans more than any American could ever imagine.
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