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The Second Annual Boo Bear Awards!


Boo Bear awards???!!! Clearly 2005 was the year of the Sliding Sammy!


Business Critter of the Year:

Don King (already awarded).

Retailer of the Year: Abercrombie & Fitch (ANF)

Month after month, quarter after quarter, ANF ran away with this one. Yes sir. Bounded away; its tight, hairless flanks, flexing and pulsating with every long-limbed stride over the wind-blown beach, cool salt water licking up at their goosefleshed calves. Abercrombie looked like they might slip up a little, last summer. the stock's colt-like legs buckling for a moment. Ooopsie, but ANF remained just out of touch and finished big, as good teen retailers do.

Come and get your hard-earned Boo Bear. It's in our pocket.

The "Santa Claus Smokes Chesterfields" Ham-Fisted, Cynical, PR Makeover of the Year:

Wal-Mart (WMT), for holding their first annual economic forum to debate the aggregate effect of opening a Wal-Mart in a community and arguing for a minimum wage hike (At least for folks working during daylight hours), and if you want lunch, work for Nordies).

Best Secret Plot to Bludgeon us Senseless AND Ruin Christmas Award:

One big, lumpen, Stuck-on-you Boo Bear goes to Microsoft (MSFT) and Wal-Mart for giving us our book-end fake stories of November. Wal-Mart kicked things off by starting Christmas promotions at the beginning of November, rather than the end. Microsoft closed the month by hitting the front page of nearly every paper in the country with the release of a product, the Xbox 360, that was sold out literally within hours.

The beauty of this award is the totally pointless, scorched-earth nature of both efforts. Wal-Mart got a marginless bump in sales for November. Microsoft single-handedly made every remaining first-generation Xbox on store shelves utterly worthless, seemingly to hurt Sony (SNE).

And it worked. Admit it, have you heard anything about Sony's PS3 lately? No one's saying "Oh no, my PS3 has a fatal hardware error and can't get fixed until April," or "My kid wants a PS3 for Christmas and I've been killing myself trying to find one for less than $1,000."

It takes a certain kind of focus to ruin yourself in order to hurt your enemies. Nicely done, gentlemen. "Here's to evil!".

"Chicken Little" was a flop but "Wag the Dog" is forever Award:

To President W and his Bird Flu Pandemic. All we need now is a disease.

"The best looking sister in a family where the mother is a cruel, margin-less, hag (and, let me tell you, they always end up looking like the mother, for better or worse)" Award:

To Circuit City (CC) and Hewlett Packard (HPQ); two stocks who finally stood up to their respective wicked elder siblings in the form of Best Buy (BBY) and Dell (DELL), respectively.

With their fists now well and truly jammed in the dyke, the crisis has been averted. Who's to say that consumer electronics retail and PC's won't once again become hot industries if these guys can't hold on a little longer?

Not me.

No need to cover our short position until the overdoses start happening.

Britney Spears.

Runner up: Taser (TASR)

Best Male Performance in Film:

The Daddy Penguin

A sentimental favorite, this award goes to the gutty, flightless, hungry Emperor Penguin who played the lead in March of the Penguins. Sadly, the award will be given posthumously as the actual bird choked to death on a stack of filter-less cigarettes left behind by the French film crew. And dozens of birds played the lead role. I mean, seriously, it's not like anyone can tell them apart and the mortality rate is about 45% every year, even before all the cigarettes and diesel generators entered the eco-system.

Yeah, like the French guys were going to reshoot the whole movie because the "lead actor" freezes rock hard at the 11th hour. Joaquin Phoenix would have had this trophy wrapped up if he could have figured out how to lip synch. I can't take the Oscar away from Jamie Foxx for giving Ray Charles the William Hung treatment but I can save Johnny Cash.

Honorable mention goes to Collins' doppelganger Philip Seymour "Scotty J" Hoffman. Hoffman is supposed to be great in Capote, which we didn't see.

The Clarence Beeks "A stranger is just a buddy you haven't met yet" award for friendliness:

Rick Schottenfeld who remains both "quiet" and "on the List".

The Solomon Rushdie "No Longer on The List" Award for those granted clemency in 2005:

Johnny Carson.

Finally, the Barry Manilow Confirmed Bachelor award for Rumor Debunking

Vacation-Happy Todd Harrison; still, to the best of my knowledge not engaged.

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