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Breaking News with's over


It's over. After a Cow hunt that has lasted almost 36 hours we got him! The Cow was found hunkered down in a basement and looking quite pathetic. Upon news of this McDonalds (MCD: NYSE) stock is bid up almost 25% and is holding strong.

Bush has called for Prime Time airtime tonight and plans to announce the capture of this terrible villain. The surprise capture of the Mad Cow has got Democrats scrambling about. Those that initially opposed the offensive against the cow are now saying it is a good thing we got him!

Heads of State from all over have sent in their congratulatory letters to Bush with the same P.S "Please consider us for contracts! Thanks!" Amazing how little pride they have!

Democratic front-runner Howard Dean has issued a statement reiterating that we are NOT safer and that this whole thing was dumb. That was all he could muster because his anger got the best of him and caused a small embolism that was not serious, but serious enough so that he had to go calm down.

The rest of the Democratic crowd distanced themselves from Dean and all said they backed Bush and going after the Cow was the right thing to do.

Well let's review this little saga, shall we. Initially Bush was lambasted by all for protecting us against the Mad Cow. The Democrats revealed that they clearly have no grasp of foreign policy and other than complaining have offered very few viable solutions!

In the following hours I hear Congress has passed with unprecedented speed, some new laws and restrictions on Mad Cows. Since the threat has been contained to just cows, they must be prepared for extensive searches and travel restrictions from one ranch to another. When herded across the plains they can expect to be hoofprinted, which will then be entered into a national database to prevent more Mad Cows from posing threats.

The national Mad Cow threat level has been lowered back down to Yellow. Ashcroft has issued a statement to stick to "safer" foods such as turkey and any cow deemed suspect will be held indefinitely and deported.

This satire was written entirely in jest and I apologize if I have hurt anyone's feelings. This was more of a satire on the state of politics in America and not on Mad Cow, which is a serious disease and has very negative implications if in fact this was a breakout. Again, have a wonderful holiday and let's look forward to 2004 where hopefully the entire Minyanville family (you, me, the rest of the Professors) have a banner year! Best wishes from the bottom of my heart.

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