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Minyanville Guide to Avian Flu


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Avian influenza, or "bird flu", is a contagious disease of animals caused by viruses that normally infect only birds but there is mounting evidence that Avian Flu has a unique capacity to jump the species barrier and cause severe disease, with high mortality, in humans. To help you prepare for the possibility of an Avian Flu outbreak in humans, Minyanville has prepared the following guidelines:

  • Wash your hands frequently, and also be sure and wash them after drying them because what if the towel you used has Avian Flu on it?

  • If at all possible, stay home from work, especially if your work involves giving people Avian Flu.

  • Viruses, including Avian Flu, can be transferred through sexual contact. Avoid unprotected sexual contact with birds that have Avian Flu. Don't be a statistic. It is not enough that a bird "looks clean."

  • Children and the elderly are most at risk for contracting Avian Flu. Surround yourself with children and old people. They will act as a shield of sorts to absorb Avian Flu germs.

  • Step up your oral hygiene regimen. Keep your mouth fresh with Lysol instead of Binaca; Liquid Plumber instead of Listerine.

  • Don't share drinking glasses with friends and colleagues; use direct mouth-to-mouth transfer instead.

  • Fashion a homemade biohazard suit out of rubber gloves, plastic trash bags and duct tape. Do it! Do it now!

  • Use disinfectant cleaners on counters, sinks, doorknobs, telephones and any other surfaces that may be contaminated. Take your time and do a good job. When you are finished with those, start on the basement.

  • If you happen to contract Avian Flu while cleaning, stop! Because then you are no longer cleaning, you are spreading.

  • Avoid Evian water. While there's no scientific evidence that Evian is made with 100% real Avian Flu, you're still only one vowel away from certain death.

  • Infectious diseases such as Avian Flu are frequently transmitted via coughs and sneezes. If you sense a sneeze or cough is about to occur, quickly cover that person's mouth, nose and ears with duct tape.

  • To prepare for life after the Avian Flu pandemic, practice walking around like an infected human zombie and terrorizing the last remaining uninfected villagers.
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