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Minyanville Home Energy Conservation Tips

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We're just doing our part to help!

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Americans spend more than $160 billion a year to heat, cool, light and live in our homes, and our energy bills continue to grow. While our homes are more efficient today than they were 30 years ago, considerable opportunity remains for greater home energy efficiency and the associated benefits. To help households across the country reduce their home energy bills, Minyanville has prepared the following guidelines:

  • A large percentage of heating and cooling efficiency is lost through doors and windows. Board up your home's windows with plywood and seal all doors to prevent energy seepage.

  • Did you know that a fireplace can shave as much as 10% off your winter heating bill? But wood is expensive. Save on wood costs by burning plastic.

  • During cold winter months try to sleep on the ceiling, because heat rises.

  • Instead of costly and dangerous space heaters at night, consider creating a Personalized Nightlight & Bonfire by smoking in bed.

  • The human body is a very efficient heating and cooling system. Instead of central air conditioning and heating, just get a bunch of human bodies.

  • Take a cue from nature and gain 200 lbs of insulating, warming fat for the winter. Later, portions of this fat can be used to create candles and heating oil.

  • Window unit air conditioners are very inefficient because they blow out hot exhaust when in use. During the cold winter months, turn your air conditioner around backwards so the hot air blows in, not out.

  • Move your family somewhere warm in the winter, cold in the summer, just right during the fall and spring. Become a meterologist to help plan the moves. Charter a private jet to avoid long airport delays.

  • Redo your landscaping to include a volcano and a lake with an iceberg.

  • Be alert for anything burnable that your neighbors may leave unattended.

  • Be conscious of where you set your thermostat. Because the body's normal temperature is 98.6 degrees, it is best to set your home's thermostat to 98.6 degrees for consistency.

  • To stay cool at night during the dog days of summer, sleep in your grandfather's cryogenic tank and set the thawing system for February.

  • It probably takes much less energy to heat a car than it does to heat a house because cars are smaller. To save on home heating costs, sleep in your car in the garage with the engine running.

  • Carry the warmth of anger, humiliation, slights and regret with you at all times by storing them in a Little Box of Hurt you keep in the pit of your stomach. Feeling chilly? Reflect on some bubble stocks you should have sold in March of '00 and wrap yourself in the warm blanket of "coulda been."
No positions in stocks mentioned.

The information on this website solely reflects the analysis of or opinion about the performance of securities and financial markets by the writers whose articles appear on the site. The views expressed by the writers are not necessarily the views of Minyanville Media, Inc. or members of its management. Nothing contained on the website is intended to constitute a recommendation or advice addressed to an individual investor or category of investors to purchase, sell or hold any security, or to take any action with respect to the prospective movement of the securities markets or to solicit the purchase or sale of any security. Any investment decisions must be made by the reader either individually or in consultation with his or her investment professional. Minyanville writers and staff may trade or hold positions in securities that are discussed in articles appearing on the website. Writers of articles are required to disclose whether they have a position in any stock or fund discussed in an article, but are not permitted to disclose the size or direction of the position. Nothing on this website is intended to solicit business of any kind for a writer's business or fund. Minyanville management and staff as well as contributing writers will not respond to emails or other communications requesting investment advice.

Copyright 2011 Minyanville Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

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