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Yes, There Are Still Jobs Out There for Pole Shavers, Gimp Tackers, and Bottom Nailers

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Belly Rollers, Nut Sifters, and Fish Pitchers, despair not -- you're still needed, too.

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MINYANVILLE ORIGINAL Layoffs are down for the third month in a row -- and the August numbers were at their lowest point since December 2010. Still, 4,584 workers were laid off last month, which job placement firm Challenger, Gray and Christmas, Inc. says "can be attributed" to the acquisition of Motorola Mobility by Google (GOOG).

September is off to a somewhat shaky start for some, with layoffs coming at Human Genome Sciences, which is planning to lay off 114 workers, three months after agreeing to be acquired by GlaxoSmithKline (GSK); Disney (DIS), which let 50 employees go from the interactive division; and Medicis Pharmaceutical Corp. (MRX), which will be letting scores of staffers go (and possibly the company's founder, CEO, and chairman, Jonah Shacknai).

Still, 64.3% of Americans are currently employed, according to Bloomberg data. However, "Bad Jobs on the Rise," a new report from the Center for Economic and Policy Research, maintains that almost 25% of American workers "are in a bad job."

A "bad job" is defined as "one that pays less than $37,000 per year, does not have employer-provided health insurance, and lacks some kind of retirement plan."

From the CEPR:

The main driver of the rise in bad jobs, the report argues, was the systematic decline in workers' bargaining power since the end of the 1970s. The reports' authors point to the fall in the inflation-adjusted value of the minimum wage, the decline in union representation, trade deals, and high unemployment as some of the key factors reducing the bargaining power of workers relative to their employers.

Victims of Progress

So, there are bad jobs and then there are the jobs that once were. On Labor Day, columnist John Kelly of the Washington Post "[paid] homage to those jobs that have disappeared."

"No, not those jobs that have been offshored or downsized," Kelly wrote, "not those jobs that were the victims of economic downturn, but those jobs that were the victims of progress."

The obsolete jobs were culled from the Dictionary of Occupational Titles, published by the Department of Labor in 1939. There was Irish-Moss Gatherer and Grizzly Worker. Tipple Boss and Tufstayer. Rivet Flunky and Doup Fixer -- just some of those "that automation or our 'modern' ways have made obsolete."

Or have they?

Though the Dictionary transitioned from hard-copy to online-only in 1998, many of the same jobs people performed in 1939 (I'm looking at you, Circus Detective) still exist today. While "Human Projectile" needs no further explanation, the job descriptions for "Pole Shaver," "Cheese Cutter," "Box Nailer," and so forth can be found here.

And so, without further ado, per the modern-day Dictionary of Occupational Titles, Fourth Edition:

The "Yes, These Are Real Job Titles" List

EGG SMELLER
MATCH-UP WORKER
BEDDER
POLE SHAVER
OYSTER TONGER
STIFFENER
GIZZARD-SKIN REMOVER
BALL WINDER
BAG SHAKER
MEAT SMOKER
SHAFT INSPECTOR
HARDNESS TESTER
BOLOGNA LACER
SPREADER
DIP-LUBE OPERATOR
BONER
STICK INSERTER
CARCASS SPLITTER
BOX NAILER
BOX ICER

The "No, Seriously, These Job Titles Actually Exist, Too" List

BRIM BUSTER
WAD LUBRICATOR
FINGERER
TAPPER SUPERVISOR
BELLY ROLLER
BOSOM PRESSER
BREAST BUFFER
NOZZLE TENDER
NEEDLE LEADER
BALL WARPER
SHOT DROPPER
IMPREGNATOR
MUD BOSS
BUNGHOLE BORER
BACKSIDE GRINDER
BOTTOM FILLER
BOTTOM NAILER
BOTTOM STAINER
BOTTOM BLEACHER
BACK WASHER
MESS ATTENDANT

The "Holy S**t, What in the Name of God Is a 'Cat Hooker'?" List

COMEDY DIVER
BOOKMOBILE DRIVER
CAPONIZER
HUMAN PROJECTILE
DRIFTER
BOWLING-BALL WEIGHER
BUTTER MELTER
CAKE INSPECTOR
CANDY PULLER
NUT SIFTER
CAT HOOKER
CHIP TESTER
BELLY ROLLER
BELLY WRINGER
CUP FILLER
DESK-PEN-SET ASSEMBLER
LARRY OPERATOR
FINGER WAVER
JIGGER-CROWN-POUNCING-MACHINE OPERATOR
FISH PITCHER

The "Holy S**t, Is a 'Cheese Cutter' What I Think It Is?" List
CHEESE CUTTER
SIDE SPLITTER
SHORTS SIFTER
DOG BEAUTICIAN
SQUIRT-MACHINE OPERATOR
GANG LEADER
GIMP TACKER
FACING BASTER
FEMALE IMPERSONATOR
KNOCK-UP ASSEMBLER
DUMPER
SPINDLE CARVER
APRON SCRATCHER
AITCHBONE BREAKER
ABALONE DIVER
MINCEMEAT MAKER
BARLEY STEEPER
SKULL GRINDER
SMEARER
SNAKER
BROTH SETTER
FLAME SCARFER

The "Wow, I've Never Met a Real, Live Raisin Washer Before!" List

ANIMAL EVISCERATOR
HEAD CHARRER
SMASH HAND
HOT BOX OPERATOR
ANIMAL IMPERSONATOR
FOOT CUTTER
FOOT STRAIGHTENER
DOG BATHER
ESCORT
SKIN LIFTER, BACON
EASTER BUNNY
SANTA CLAUS
SANTA'S HELPER
RAISIN WASHER
DOLL-EYE-SETTER
BRUISE TRIMMER
DOPE MIXER
DOPE POURER
DOPE FIRER
BUCKET CHUCKER
EAR-MUFF ASSEMBLER

The "Wait a Second, There's Something Called a 'Smutter' in Corporate America?" List

JAWBONE BREAKER
HURL SHAKER
HORSE IDENTIFIER
JOINT MAKER
MELLOWING-MACHINE OPERATOR
SILK-TOP-HAT-BODY MAKER
SILENT BIT EXTRA
BRAIN PICKER
BLEMISH REMOVER
SMUTTER
BROOMCORN SCRAPER
SNAGGER
SNAILER
CAR CHASER
CARTON CATCHER
PUZZLE ASSEMBLER
STONER

If anyone has a bead on a good Horse Identifier position (or Puzzle Assembler, preferably with benefits), please get in touch.

Follow Justin Rohrlich on Twitter: @chickenalaking
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