Get the finances right now to avoid squabbles while you're together and major problems if you later split. Drafting a domestic partner agreement is a vital first step.
"If a couple is making a long-term emotional commitment, they need to recognize that the outside world won't necessarily honor it unless they put it in writing," says Nicky Grist, executive director of the Alternatives to Marriage Project, a non-profit organization based in Brooklyn, N.Y. "If the couple is purchasing property together, they need to state who owns how much and what happens if they later dissolve the relationship and sell the property."
Are you already married? Spenders vs. Savers: Balancing Love and Money can give you tips to keep your marriage financially strong. For those ending a marriage, please read Making Divorce As Painless As Possible.
The U.S. Census Bureau reports that the number of unmarried couples living together increased to 5.5 mln in 2000 from 3.2 mln in 1990, a 72% jump. This highlights the need for the unknotted couple to define the financial responsibility of each partner and to put it in writing.
Making an Agreement
Many couples, especially the young and inexperienced, see little need for financial planning, apparently believing that love will conquer all. This can lead to catastrophe because folding two lives together is difficult enough without arguing about money.
If your partner is reluctant to develop a financial plan, try this: Estimate your weekly expenses, including food, utilities, Internet and other household costs. Multiply the figure by 52 and toss in the rent. That's a significant sum, even when divided by two.
"The more assets involved, the more the couple needs to write down who owns what," Grist says. "Do this at the beginning when you're madly in love because trying to figure it out when you're mad at each other is impossible."
You can write your own domestic partner agreement without calling in a lawyer. It can include whatever you think is important, but keep it as simple as possible because too many clauses and footnotes will snuff the spark in the relationship.
However, if you have children together and acquire significant assets or debts, talk to an attorney. The relationship is no longer simple and both partners need to understand their responsibilities and rights under the law.
The domestic partner agreement can be updated and expanded at any time. Just tear up the old deal and start fresh. Be sure that you and your partner sign and date the new agreement. Each should keep a copy.
Some couples live together as a trial marriage. Basic financial planning should be part of preparing for the flipside: the world changes quickly when you're young and many marry someone else a few years later. A written agreement can make the parting simpler if it's time to move on.
Start with the basics when drafting a contract for a live-in relationship: Personal property that each partner brings to the relationship remains that person's property if you later call it quits.
Who Handles What
Consider a joint checking account for household expenses, but keep all credit, savings, brokerage and retirement accounts separate. There's no need to complicate things by merging accounts at this stage in your life and unwinding joint accounts can be a major headache – and expense – if you later decide to end the relationship.
Maintaining separate health insurance coverage also simplifies things, but it's likely to be expensive. If one partner works, consider carrying the other on the plan. The non-working partner should pay the additional cost of the coverage. There may be tax consequences, so check with a pro.
Both partners should sign the lease on an apartment or house. If one partner is moving into an apartment with an existing lease, inform your landlord to be sure you won't violate terms of the lease. For most landlords, especially those in university towns, this will be routine.
If you're moving into an unusually spiffy apartment in a nifty nabe, the domestic partner agreement should spell out who has first right of refusal to pick up the lease if the relationship ends.
Shop around for the best deal on renter's insurance. Be sure that the personal property of both partners is covered.
Don't buy a car, stereo, TV, furniture or other large ticket items together because this could lead to bitter squabbles if the relationship ends. Instead, make it his or hers stuff and keep a record of who bought what large item.
Personal expenses such as gym, golf or tennis lessons, CDs, cell phone and clothes obviously should be the sole responsibility of the person who incurs them. Note this basic fact in your agreement. Make dinner and a movie easy: Take turns going Dutch.
In the agreement, state that both partners will be civil if the relationship ends and split expenses equitably. It might be smart to include a paragraph that says you'll go a mediator and split the cost 50-50 if you can't strike a deal on your own.
Exiting Gracefully
Ending a relationship is never easy, especially if one partner wants to continue. You don't want to destroy the fond memories of your time together by needless bickering over household junk and money. A clearly written domestic partner agreement will help avoid arguments if the relationship ends and simplify matters if you have to go to court to enforce it.
"Putting the agreement in writing makes us think about uncomfortable things," Grist says. "It also makes us more responsible and caring for each other and that's part of being in a mature, adult relationship."
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