An All-Gold Outfit: How to Look Like a Million Bucks (Literally)

By Jonah Loeb  JAN 24, 2013 2:15 PM

We've scoured the Web to create the heaviest, shiniest, and least practical set of clothes ever assembled.

 


We all have different role models when it comes to fashion. If we could, many of us would spend every minute of every day dressed like Neal Caffrey from White Collar. We collectively oohed and ahhed over the dresses on the red carpet at the Golden Globes the other night. I personally own so many Everton F.C. jerseys that I’m single-handedly keeping the economy of northwest England afloat.
 
For some people, though, simply looking like a million bucks isn’t enough; they want to literally wear as much money as possible. Gold (NYSEARCA:GLD) has been a hot topic recently, and throughout human history, it’s been synonymous with wealth, extravagance, and even royalty. With that in mind, let’s see if we can find an outfit that’s actually worth its weight in gold.
 
Gold Underwear ($32,000)
It’s important to lay a solid foundation for our gold outfit, so let’s start with nearly a kilogram of gold underwear. Not, unfortunately, available for purchase, this decadent set of gold lingerie took four veteran designers a whole month to complete. Apparently China is a pretty awesome place.
 
Gold Shoes ($5,400)
Designer Kenneth Courtney took the simple approach back in 2005 when he dunked a pair of Nike (NYSE:NKE) high-top sneakers in 24-karat gold. Eight years later, the kicks haven’t been bought, but I think they’d provide both comfort and mobility for our imaginary gold suit. I just wish McDonald’s (NYSE:MCD) had made these instead; they’d have terrific golden arch support.
 
Gold Shoelaces ($19,000)
What, are we going to put non-gold shoelaces on those flashy Nikes? Don’t be ridiculous. These meticulously-crafted laces from mr. kennedy aren’t just gold-plated or gold-brushed -- they’re woven from 100% pure gold threads. Up close, they look like chainmail for your feet. Hurry, though, if you’re interested: mr. kennedy only made ten pairs.
 
Gold-Plated Jeans ($875)
Word has it that Justin Bieber, sworn enemy of JPMorgan Chase (NYSE:JPM), was spotted wearing this shiny number from Kohzo Denim a little while ago. Perhaps “gold-plated” is a misnomer; the jeans themselves are an organic cotton blend and are lightly distressed before being painted with real 18-karat gold. Not as expensive, disappointingly, as our other pieces, but certainly garish enough to fit right in.
 
Gold-Plated iPhone ($5,000)
The Apple (NASDAQ:AAPL) iPhone 5 is already a pretty flashy status symbol: bigger screen, better processor, skinnier profile. How could anyone improve on that? Well, they could plate the thing with 24-karat gold. No word on whether this helps or hurts voice quality. At least this one’s semi-affordable, though; if we wanted to cheat on gold with precious gems for a minute, we could add this iPhone 5 case, covered in sapphires and rubies, for a mind-blowing $100,000.
 
Gold Shirt ($250,000)
Indian businessman Datta Phuge calls himself “Gold Man,” and while that sounds like a particularly second-rate superhero, I can’t deny that this is what that superhero would wear. Phuge commissioned a shirt from jeweler Tejpal Ranka, who cast 22-karat gold over stiff velvet to create what he calls a “maharajah look.” This is perhaps the centerpiece of our gold outfit, and it deserves the attention it will bring: The shirt’s construction took 15 men more than two weeks of almost non-stop work.
 
Gold Shampoo ($200)
The only gold hats I could find were either shooting trophies or Bronze Age relics, so here’s the next best thing: gold-and-caviar personal care products from Miriam Quevedo. Filled with micronized gold, caviar, and various floral oils, the shampoo, skin lotion, and facial mask offer “renewed youth” and “gold highlights” to anyone who’s willing to rub caviar on his or her face. Fish eggs: Finally, a way to rub your body with the alluring scents of both fish and eggs!
 
Total Price of the Gold Ensemble: $312,475
 
Not, perhaps, a million-dollar outfit, but you’ve got to remember that this is before taxes. And, of course, before jewelry.

No positions in stocks mentioned.