You just can’t expect alleged scam artist Bernie Madoff to make ends meet on anything less than $69 million.

In a legal argument filed in Federal Court, Bernie seeks to keep his $7 million penthouse on Manhattan’s Upper East Side, $17 million in cash stashed in his wife’s name, and $45 million in municipal bonds, also listed in his wife’s name.

Madoff’s attorney argues that the assets are unrelated to the alleged fraud that cost investors about $50 billion.

Madoff’s digs are off-limits for now, because the apartment was used to secure his bail. But if Madoff is later convicted, the penthouse could be seized and sold to help repay his alleged victims.

Madoff, former NASDAQ chairman, is charged with securities fraud after allegedly using cash from new investors to pay off early investors. Investigators say Madoff created phony statements to show consistent gains - but no investments were made.

Bernie’s wife Ruth hasn’t been charged in the alleged fraud, but this may be fishy: She withdrew $15.5 million from the bond fund in the weeks prior to Bernie's arrest, including $10 million the day before the FBI knocked on their door.

Still, as a matter of law, we can’t visit the (alleged) sins of the husband on the wife. If Bernie is convicted, we certainly wouldn’t want Mrs. M trapped in one of those awful $1,500-a-month, 300-square-foot Manhattan studios in Hell’s Kitchen. Even with a nice Murphy bed, that would be a violation of the Eighth Amendment prohibition on cruel and unusual punishment, no?

As for investors who lost big bucks (and in some cases, just about everything): Let ‘em eat cake - or maybe the earnings statements Bernie so dutifully dropped in the mail.