And what about pants? Make them leather. And if leather, they might as well be light blue leather. And if light blue leather, why not add some zippers up the sides? Also, at least 12 pleats. I like my leather pants pleated. And with secret pockets, too. I'll need secret pockets for my supplies. And ye Gods, where is that hideous music coming from? I can't feel my face. My left eye is twitching. "Excuse me, do you work here? Is this a pair of pants or a trench coat? What is this strap for? How do you buckle this? Do you sell neon wallets?"

Ah, Chess King. It wasn't always that way. At least not until the '80s happened. Launched in 1967 out of a plain brown paper bag -- which is to say, the Thom McAn shoe division of the Melville Corporation, Chess King's goal was to target young men aged 16-25. The chain never deviated from that demographic, a move which ultimately led to its demise.

At the close of the decade, Rick Ricalde, Chess King President -- which has to be one of the weirdest titles I've ever typed -- was well aware of the treacherous path that lay ahead for the company, explaining to the Daily News-Record in 1989 the daunting demographics: "There will be 27 million people in [the 16-25] age bracket in 1996, which will be the low point. It will rise after that."

Whoops. The company never made it that far, folding in 1995, just 2 years after being acquired by Merry-Go-Round Enterprises in 1993.