Holiday shopping is stressful enough without worrying about distant relatives.

Start by making a list of who is vital to your holiday celebration. If you have doubts about buying gifts for people you rarely see, you can bet the folks on the other end would rather skip you and concentrate on their immediate family, especially the children.

So, cut a deal: Agree to exchange a token gift for the entire family, or better yet make it just a card and a phone call during the holidays. The key: Narrow your shopping list and concentrate on those who really matter. This also helps you stay within your holiday budget.

Then work with close relatives about selecting appropriate gifts for the children in your family. You need to know:
 

• The child’s passions.
• The child’s level of development.
• What others are buying the child.
• Family no-nos.

If you nail down the basics, you’ll avoid polite groans and strained thank-you letters from the kids. After all, what proto-nerd wants – or needs – a zap ‘em video game or Barbie doll and how many kids long for a junior scientist chemistry set and white lab coat? Instead, you want to play to the child’s interests no matter how off-beat, mainstream, advanced or average they may be.

This underscores a basic point that some overlook during the holiday season: It’s about children – not our aspirations for them. Parents should point children in the right direction and encourage their interests, but can’t make them into something they’re not and have no interest in becoming. It’s a good bet that your outdoorsy kid won’t flip for Mozart (at least not yet) and your unusually bright one will be bored with that new-to-you computer gizmo.

Be sure to check with others in the family because you don’t want to duplicate gifts. A little coordination can save time, money and embarrassment for the child who receives duplicate gifts.

For older children, check with the parents about speaking directly to the kids – especially if they’re grandkids. Ask about their interests because you don’t want to give them concert tickets to a bubble gum band they outgrew five years ago.

Be sure to respect a family’s limits on gifts. If a family says no violent video games, or war toys, it’s their decision and even close relatives shouldn’t try to buck it. Family prohibitions may include certain types of food, style or type of clothing, or materials. Some families set price limits. Whatever the restrictions are and no matter how silly or irrelevant you think they may be, you are duty-bound to respect parental wishes.

Most parents will reciprocate and respect your wishes. If a relative sends an inappropriate gift, call and discuss it. Thank the relatives for thinking of your kids, make it clear why the gift is inappropriate and say that you’ll exchange it for just what your child needs and you’ll attach their name to it. Do this in an understated, non-confrontational manner and all will be ducky in most cases.

However, just about every family has at least one member who prefers personal histrionics above everything else, including children during the holidays, and in such a case there’s little you can do except wonder if that relative was dropped on his head at birth. Remember: If the roles are reversed and you goofed in selecting a gift for a cousin or grandchild, listen carefully and get it right next time. If you make it clear that no offense was intended, none will be taken.

The holidays can be stressful enough without quibbles or confrontations over a child’s gift. A little discussion before heading to the mall or cranking up the computer to survey the online shopping sites will preclude rancor among the parents and, more importantly, disappointed kids.


Check out our collection of the very best in parent-friendly personal finance, Shopping With a Purpose, for more ideas and information on helping your children learn and grow through finance this holiday season and beyond!