Children won’t say thanks unless you teach them why it’s important and how to make their appreciation known.

Your example is crucial. When your child asks why it’s important, start by saying it’s simply the polite thing to do and make sure they see you thanking others.

“Set a time soon after the holidays to write thank-you notes,” says Karen Waldron, Ph.D., author of Unleashing Kids’ Potential: What Parents, Grandparents, and Teachers Need to Know. “Put pen to paper – no e-mails.”

Be sure your children see you write thank-you notes to relatives. Read the completed note aloud and ask your kids, “Is there anything we left out?” Let the kids pick out the cards. If they’re young, keep an eye out for over-sized, kid-friendly cards. Then make your kids part of preparing the thank-you notes, no matter how small the role. Give young children the important task of affixing the stamps and return address stickers to the envelopes and putting the letters in the mailbox.

Don’t relegate this task to girls because boys need to learn to say thanks, too.

If the child is too young to write a note, talk to grandparents on the phone or have the kid dictate a note. Urge the child to discuss the gift and how it will be used.

You don’t want the comments to be scripted, but suggest that the child say the size and color are perfect if the gift is a clothing item or the stuffed animal is a much needed addition to the menagerie. In short, set the framework and let the child fill in the blanks.

Be sure your child understands how important it is to others to say thanks because you want it to be more than rote mumbling or a pro forma scribble. Tell the child that others need to know that you appreciate their efforts on your behalf.

Some suggest rewarding children with treats for saying thanks. This is a mistake. Children should say thanks because it’s the right thing to do – not because it gets them a piece of candy. Instead, praise your children for saying thanks and tell them that it means a lot to their grandparents.

If your child is young – say under seven – tell the kid he won’t understand how important it is until he’s all grown up and has kids of his own, but "Trust me, kiddo, it’s important to say thanks."

If your child is shy or intimidated by crowds, practice saying thanks with the child before a family event. Remember that success builds confidence so set your child up to succeed.

If your child gets carried away by the excitement of a large family event, take a moment in private to remind the child to say thanks. Never have this conversation in public or denigrate the child for forgetting. These things take time and patience. Take this basic tack: Positive feedback builds positive behavior.

So, be sure to praise the child for acting properly and saying thanks. There’s no need to be wildly effusive. In private, tell your child that he handled it just right and is growing up. For young children, there is no greater compliment than acting like a grownup or handling a situation like an adult.

If things weren’t handled well, gently remind your child what needs to be done. Then note the kid’s solid attempt and say the next effort will be better.

It’s often said that the best gifts come from the heart – not the store. Build on this folk wisdom and explain to your child that the real meaning of a gift is made clear to giver and recipient by saying thanks.


Check out our collection of the very best in parent-friendly personal finance, Shopping With a Purpose, for ideas and information on helping your children learn and grow through finance this holiday season and beyond!