Yes! Not only were my shakes starting to subside, but then I heard some great news! Coffee retail megalith Starbucks (SBUX) is offering customers any iced grande beverage for $2 after 2 p.m., hoping to generate buzz bigger than the one I have after my third mochaccino.

But, wait - there's a catch! Always a catch!

In order to receive the discount, you have to present the cashier with a receipt from a morning Starbucks visit, provided you haven't mashed the paper into pulp to relieve the terrible, terrible tension.

And come on! Who saves receipts?! I have to rummage through towers of empty cups just to find my nicotine gum, let alone a tiny scrap of paper!

Gum. Who's seen my gum?!

The deal comes at the end of a particularly bad month for the java giant: On July 1st, the company announced it would be closing 600 stores and curtailing further expansion. Luckily for me, they kept the one in the lobby of my office building!

That jerk Sheila -- who runs the register from 8 a.m to 3 p.m. on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays -- said I was the only reason that unit was making a profit. Like I'm the only one who visits twice before lunch and twice after.

God, I hate her.

Damn, now I have a headache. Seriously, where's my gum?! What was I saying?

Oh, right: Just last week, Starbucks cut almost 1,000 non-retail jobs in an effort to revitalize the brand and boost profits. Would it have killed them to just get rid of Sheila, for crying out loud?!

Oh, yeah! I hid a spare DoubleShot in the back of the work fridge. I gotta finish this. Must revitalize!

The staff reshuffling even extended to Jim Alling, former president of Starbucks Coffee International, who formally filed a separation agreement yesterday providing him with a lump sum payout equal to 12 months of his base salary. So this guy gets a year's salary after making me wait countless minutes for the damn barista to brew another batch?!?!

OK, calm down. Getting dizzy.

Like other hardcore Starbucks junkies, I'll be using this new afternoon discount religiously, doing my part to return the company to the metastatic levels of growth it's enjoyed since the mid-1990s. I can't go back to a time when I had to rely on mom-and-pop outfits for my coffee. I can't go back! I won't go back!

Sweet Jesus, I hope this campaign works.

For more on Starbucks, check out Hoofy and Boo's always astute report.